


Only Breaking

by misscashley



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, M/M, Pain, Rape, Self-Harm, harry!centric, larry stylinson - Freeform, trigger!warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-30
Updated: 2015-02-13
Packaged: 2017-12-21 21:51:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 22,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/905352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misscashley/pseuds/misscashley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Are you alright Harry?" Harry found it funny that he all of a sudden acted like he cared about him. Harry stared at Louis, looking him in the eye, not saying anything, because there’s nothing he can say. He can’t say that he’s dying inside because Louis doesn’t love him. He can’t say he’s found other ways to make himself happy. He can’t say that every day he’s closer and closer to being broken beyond repair, like a broken toy that’s tossed to the side when the kid gets a new one, because that broken toy isn’t as fun anymore, and it’s old and it doesn’t work right, and it’s going to be thrown away.</p><p>"I’m fine." He says instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Maybe Harry wasn’t the funniest lad in the group like Louis, or the most innocent one like Niall, or the good looking one like Zayn, or the mature, kind one like Liam. But he considered himself to still be pretty likable overall. He wasn’t ugly, and he thought he was rather pleasant to hang out with. To be honest, he was rather confident in himself.  
  
Which is why he was going to talk to Louis. Today. About his… feelings.  
  
They started about three months ago, when they had all been at a rehearsal for a concert, and Louis was well, just being Louis, and Harry was just being Harry. They were all messing around, messing up the dance moves on purpose for laughs, while Liam just stood there trying to look annoyed, but a smile sneaked through.  
  
Louis had grabbed Harry, and pulled him tight against his chest. He slow danced with him, as a joke, of course, but Harry felt butterflies.  
  
His feelings just sort of escalated from there.  
  
Sometimes, he would think that Louis felt the same way he did, when he would catch him staring at him. Other times, he wasn’t sure.  
  
He’d find out today though.  
  
______________________

  
"Harry? Come on mate, you’ve been out of it the whole rehearsal. Try eating something, you’re probably hungry." Liam’s concerned voice filled his mind, and he sighed, looking up. They were on break right now from dancing and singing, and it was now or never.  
  
"Louis, can I talk to you?" He asks abruptly, and everyone sort of sneaks glances at them as Louis looks up from his phone, shrugging as he stands up.  
  
"Sure Haz." He replies, following Harry down the hallway. Harry walks until they reach an empty part of the hall, except for a couple boxes and odds and ends scattered around. Harry takes a deep breath, looking up, meeting Louis’ eyes. The hall suddenly felt a lot smaller than it really was.  
  
"Is something wrong, Harry?" Louis asks, and his voice is concerned.  
  
"I…" He stutters, his heart beating fast. God, he had been rehearsing this over and over in his room, and now that the moments here, he couldn’t remember a thing.  
  
"Harry?" Louis asks, frowning. Harry takes a deep breath, making a rash decision. He steps forward, his hands flying to cup Louis’ face. He smashes his lips to his, moving his lips against Louis, begging him to move his lips, to reassure Harry that he felt the same way too.  
  
He feels hands against his chest, and suddenly he’s flying backwards, a groan escaping his lips as his head hits the wall, and he slides down to the floor. He forces himself to look up, meeting Louis eyes. Louis was red in the face, and his fists were clenched as he stared at Harry, his mouth hanging open, like he wasn’t quite sure what to say.  
  
"What the fuck, Harry?!" There it is. The angry words escape his lips, piercing Harry in the heart. Before Harry realizes what he’s doing, he scrambles to his feet, running down the hall, and out the first door he comes to.  
  
He ends up in a parking lot that he assumed was at the back of the building. Not willing himself time to stop and think, he keeps running, his legs carrying him down the sidewalk. Eventually though, he slows down, because his flat is at least an hour away, and where is he going to go? He stands at the edge of the sidewalk, frantically waving his arms, trying to get a cab drivers attention. Finally, a cab pulls over, and he gets in, slamming the door, telling the driver his address.  
  
The driver doesn’t question Harry as he holds back choked sobs in the backseat, he doesn’t question him as he mutters under his breath about messing up big time, and he doesn’t question him when he practically throws the money at him before racing out of the car, acting like it was suffocating him.  
  
Harry finally made it inside his flat, and he locked the door, his knees buckling before he could even reach the living room. His sobbing escalates, turning into painful, throaty screams, and his whole body is shaking. There’s a knocking on the door, and it’s his neighbor, a man in his late thirties that wore tight clothes and laughed too loud, asking through the door if Harry was okay.  
  
Harry never answered, and eventually, he went away. Harry curled up into himself on the floor, crying and crying until he passed out from the stress. His dreams were filled with Louis, and Harry sobbed in his sleep, because it fucking hurt.  
  
_____________________

  
  
The first thing Harry noticed when he woke up was that he was on the floor, and he was still curled up, his joints aching. His face was caked with his dried tears, and his heart still ached.  
  
It took a minute, but he finally manages to push himself to his feet, but his legs were shaky. He stumbles to the bathroom, his first instinct to take a shower. He turns on the water, and peels his clothes off, stepping into the hot shower. The water burns his skin, and he knows he’ll be red when he steps out, but he doesn’t care, he finds it relaxing in a weird way.  
  
He stands in the shower for nearly an hour, and the water finally starts to get cold. He shuts the water off, wrapping a towel around his waist, stepping out of the shower. He frowns, hearing his phone ring. He grabs his jeans off the floor, pulling his phone out of his pocket.  
  
"Hello?" He croaks as he answers, his voice hoarse.  
  
"What the fuck happened yesterday?!" Liam snaps, and Harry flinches, holding the phone against his ear as he walks towards his room. “Louis wouldn’t say anything, and we couldn’t find you anywhere! You didn’t answer your phone or anything!" Liam is obviously pissed off, and rightfully so.  
  
"I… Sorry LiLi." Harry says softly, hoping to soothe him by using his nickname. “I wasn’t feeling well."  
  
There’s silence for a moment, and Liam finally sighs, deciding he could chew him out later.  
  
"Whatever Harry, just tell us next time. I’ll see you tonight." Liam hangs up before Harry has a chance to ask what tonight is, and he frowns, shuffling to his bedroom, trying to remember what he seems to have forgotten.  
  
___________________________________________

 

 

  
Finally, after sitting around for two hours, aimlessly staring at the TV screen, he remembers that tonight is Niall’s birthday. He scrambles to his feet, nearly tripping over himself to run to his room and get ready. He didn’t want to let down the little leprechaun by showing up late for his birthday party.  
  
Harry pulls on a tight white t-shirt, and black skinny jeans. He slips his shoes on, and takes a moment to look in the mirror, examining himself. He wasn’t sure, but the shirt seemed to be tighter than usual. He dismissed the thought quickly, because he had thousands of girls swooning over him, and if that isn’t a confidence booster, than what is?  
  
He turns away from the mirror, running his fingers through his hair, walking out of his flat, locking the door. He stops, realizing he didn’t have a car, and he hasn’t called Liam or Zayn to pick him up. He definitely wasn’t going to call Louis. He sighs, and makes his way to the front of the building, hoping to maybe catch a cab, if he’s lucky.  
  
  
After ten minutes of every cab either blatantly ignoring him, or already being occupied, Harry begins to get frustrated, because Niall’s party was in ten minutes, and it took twenty minutes to get there. Maybe he should have planned better, but that didn’t change the fact that he was angry at the cab drivers, because he at least thought they’d recognize him, and he could catch a ride with the snap of his fingers. He was important, wasn’t he?  
  
"Harry?" The voice startles Harry, and he spins around, coming face to face with Lucas, his neighbor.  
  
"Oh, hello Lucas." Harry says smoothly, hoping he wouldn’t ask Harry why he had been sobbing in his apartment last night.  
  
"What are you standing out in the cold for?" Lucas asked, however he seemed to be cautious, like he was afraid that the boy would burst into tears.  
  
"Just trying to catch a cab. It’s progressively becoming more and more hopeless." He laughs weakly, running his fingers through his hair.  
  
"Well, I can give you a ride, it wouldn’t be a problem." Lucas says, and his face seems to brighten as he says this, seeming pleased with himself for having such a brilliant idea.  
  
Harry hesitates, not wanting to be an inconvenience, but then he decides, fuck it, because how else was he going to get there?  
  
_____________________________________  
  


 

By the time Lucas pulls up in front of the club where Niall’s birthday party was being held, he’s twenty minutes late, and he’s silently praying that none of the lads will notice that he’s late.  
  
"Thanks for the lift, Lucas, I really appreciate it." Harry says, his hand reaching for the door handle. A hand on his knee stops him, and a cheerful voice fills the car.  
  
"No problem, mate. And hey, if I ever need anything, you owe me one, yeah?"  
  
Harry agrees with a nod of his head, and quickly escapes from the car, slamming the door as he heads for the entrance.  
  
Security lets him in, and he starts to scan the club, hoping to spot Niall and wish him a happy birthday.  
  
The music vibrated throughout the club, and the strobe lights made it hard to see. People were stumbling around, obviously very intoxicated. Harry caught a flash of spiked up, blonde hair, and quickly headed in the direction of the hair.  
  
"Harry!" A voice squeals, and suddenly Niall’s body is pressed up against Harry’s, and he’s sweaty and a little bit too loud. He’s obviously already drunk.  
  
"Happy birthday, Nialler." Harry says softly, gently squeezing the leprechauns small frame before letting go of him.  
  
"Come on, lets go say hi to the lads!" Niall exclaims, dragging Harry towards the bar by his hand, and they reach the bar, where Zayn and Liam are sitting. Obviously someone was missing.  
  
Before Harry can even ask where Louis is, Zayn nods towards the end of the bar, and Harry looks, only to be greeted by the sight of a pretty brunette sitting in Louis’ lap, her lips attached to his neck.  
  
"Her name is Eleanor." Niall says, sounding proud of himself. “I introduced them an hour ago!" Niall laughs, as if the whole situation was just funny, because that’s what it was, it was funny how easily Louis forgot about what Harry said, and it was funny how hurt Harry felt.  
  
"Pretty, isn’t she?" Liam interjects, noticing Harry’s staring. Harry nods, and Niall is still holding his hand, and Harry wants to punch him for introducing such a pretty girl to Louis, but he doesn’t, because it isn’t Niall’s fault that he was a good friend.  
  
Instead of lashing out, Harry quietly excuses himself, making his way through the crowd, planning on heading for the door. However, a hand grabs his wrist before he can escape, and suddenly he’s being pulled, and someone is grinding against Harry’s ass, and it’s obviously a guy. Harry’s about to pull away and tell him he can’t treat like that, but then the image of Eleanor and Louis flash through his mind, and Harry thinks that maybe, just maybe, he’ll let this stranger do what he wants.  
  
_________________________________________  
  


 

The stranger fucks Harry in the one person bathroom at the club, and when he leaves, Harry doesn’t feel satisfied like he thought he would, he just feels empty. He stands up and pulls up his pants, before proceeding to clean himself up. He makes his way out of the bathroom, and the party is still going hard, but Harry doesn’t care, he just wants to go home.  
  
  Harry manages to find a cab, and he closes his eyes the whole ride home, hoping to find peace in the darkness.

He forgot to get Niall a present.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger!warning

When Harry awoke in the morning, his body was stiff and cold. He groaned, because he obviously hadn’t drank enough last night to forget what happened.

 

He remembered seeing Louis with Eleanor on his lap, with her lips lovingly pressed to his neck.

 

He remembered the stranger coming up behind him, and running his hands over his body, like he had the right to.

 

He remembered how he let the stranger fuck him in the bathroom, and how he just laid on the dirty floor of the club bathroom and cried when the stranger left.

 

Harry forced himself to sit up, and he instantly regretted it when pain shot through his rear. He forced himself to climb out of bed, and walk to his kitchen, with good intentions. But once he opened the fridge, his stomach just told him  _no,_ he wasn’t hungry.

 

Harry didn’t realize that that was the little push over the edge he needed to fall into a routine full of skipping meals and constant pain.

 

Harry decided that he didn’t want to talk to anyone today, and sure, that may be a little anti-social, but he just needed some time alone.

 

He turns off his phone and shoves it in his drawer, deciding he needed to find something to do to keep him occupied. He remembers that there was a loose leg on the table in the dining room, and maybe fixing things isn’t really a skill of his  ~~because he can’t even fix himself~~  but at least it was something to keep him occupied.

 

 

 

 

By the time Harry finally finds a screwdriver and manages to carefully turn the table over without scratching it (since his mum picked out the furniture and would be upset to find it scratched) he’s managed to waste about twenty-five minutes. He wastes another twenty-five minutes, sitting there and staring at the wobbly leg of the table, wondering what he was supposed to do exactly, because he didn’t see any screws like he expected.

 

 

Harry decides to just maybe try and twist the leg a little, and it seems to be a good idea at first, so he decides to twist it a little more when-  _snap_. The leg of the table breaks off and Harry lets out a frustrated cry, angry that he can’t even do something as simple as fixing a table.

 

 

He throws the leg of the table across the room, and he doesn’t blink when it knocks a picture off the wall, because he just can’t find it in himself to care.  ~~If he can’t even fix a fucking table leg, than how is he supposed to save himself?~~  


 

 

Harry’s cheeks burn red as he walks into the living room, trying to calm himself down. He puts a CD into the stereo, and turns the volume way up, because maybe he can blast away his thoughts with music.

 

 

The music doesn’t work and he tugs at his hair, focusing on the pain from tugging at his hair instead of the pain in his chest.

 

  
_Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck._  He wonders briefly why the pain in his chest won’t stop, he must need a bigger distraction. He hesitates, freezing when a thought enters his mind.

 

 

He’s thought of it before, to be honest, but he never thought he’d actually act on it.

 

 

 

 

______________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

He had told himself he would only do one cut.

 

 

One turned into two, two turned into four, four turned into eight, and _he just couldn’t stop._  


 

 

If anyone had asked Harry, he wouldn’t have been able to explain why he enjoyed hurting himself. He just loved the feeling he got when he tattooed his skin with his pain in the form of a razor.

 

 

When he finally managed to put the razor blade away, he had counted his… marks. 106. 106 marks, littering his arms.

 

 

Harry thought that maybe he shouldn’t have had alone time today.

 

 

 

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

When Harry finally turns his phone on, he has one missed call from Liam, and one from Niall. He shoves his phone in his pocket, sighing. He decides that maybe he’ll just walk on over to Liam’s flat, because the boys all live within a couple miles of each other.

 

 

Nothing ever really goes as planned though, which is why when Harry is locking his door and turning to leave, a hand grabs his, and he looks up, his eyes meeting his neighbors dark eyes.

 

 

"Hey mate, sorry, I gotta get going." He tells Lucas, in hopes that he’ll drop his hand. Lucas just flashes him a smile, and tugs him towards his apartment.

 

 

"I know, and this will only take a second, I swear. I just need your help with something really quick. Since you owe me a favor and all."

 

 

Harry wishes he never accepted that ride from Lucas, and he wants more than anything to just turn and walk away, but instead he smiles weakly and nods, following Lucas into his apartment.

 

 

Lucas shuts the door and Harry starts to ask what he needs help with, but he doesn’t quite finish because Lucas kisses him and Harry doesn’t know what to do, so he just stands there, his eyes open, while Lucas kisses him hard, desperate for a response.

 

 

Harry stays frozen in place.

 

 

"God, Harry, fucking do something. You owe me a favor, god damnit." He snaps, and Harry is surprised because Lucas is never aggressive, he’s just always been the guy that laughs too loud.

 

 

Harry kisses him back, because he owes him a favor, and because Lucas scares him a little.

 

 

 

 

Harry imagines it’s Louis he’s kissing instead, because he  ~~knows~~  thinks that’s the only way he’ll be able to get through this make-out session.

 

 

After a while, Harry figured he could leave, because his lips hurt, and he wanted to go see Liam. However, Lucas didn’t want him to leave yet, because he wasn’t done, and Harry told him  _no_ , he wanted to leave.

 

 

Lucas didn’t handle that well.

 

 

He punched Harry in the gut, and told him to get out of his apartment.

 

 

Harry always does what he’s told.

 

________________________________________________________

 

 

"Harry?" A soft voice whispers, and Harry practically whimpers at how gentle and caring the voice sounds. His hands reach out to try and find the source of the voice, and they find a soft, cotton t-shirt. Harry is still half-asleep, and he doesn’t have the strength to push anyone away right now, so he grips the t-shirt, and pulls the voice towards him.

 

 

He still doesn’t know who it is, because he hasn’t opened his eyes, but whoever it is, he seems to understand what Harry wants, and he climbs into bed with him, wrapping his arms around Harry’s tiny waist.

 

 

Harry finally opens his eyes and he sees Niall gazing down at him in concern as he cuddles him, and Harry can’t help it, he bursts out into tears.

 

Niall’s eyes widen, and his concern grows and he rubs Harry’s back, quickly pulling the sobbing boy to his chest.

 

 

"Sssh, it’s gonna be alright." Niall whispers, although he isn’t sure what’s going to be alright, he just doesn’t want Harry to cry.

 

 

After a good ten minutes, Harry finally pulls himself together, sitting up in his bed.

 

 

"M’sorry Niall… I don’t know what happened." He says, even though he does know. He knows that last night, he didn’t go to Liam’s, he just made more marks on his skin, and then he curled up in bed, and cried himself to sleep, wishing someone would hold him. He knows that when he woke up to Niall holding him, he felt like someone cared.

 

 

But now, the moment was gone, no one cared, and Harry didn’t know what to do now.

 

 

"It’s fine mate." Niall says, getting the sense that Harry didn’t want to talk about what had just happened. “We have rehearsal in t’irty minutes, and Liam wanted me to make sure you were ready." Niall explains, standing up. That made sense, since Harry hadn’t exactly been reliable lately, and Niall lived the closest to Harry.

 

 

"Yeah, alright. You can go wait in the kitchen, I’m just gonna get dressed." Harry murmurs, and Niall walks out. Harry starts to get dressed, when he realizes that  _fuck, he’s going to see Louis today._  


 

 

He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t scared of how Louis is going to act around him. Would he ignore him? Yell at him? Stare at him with disgust? Endless possibilities.

 

 

Harry decided to head to the bathroom before they left.

 

__________________________________________________________

 

 

"Ah, so Sleeping Beauty finally arrives." Zayn jokes as Harry walks in with Niall, and Harry rolls his eyes, dodging a friendly punch to the arm from Zayn.

 

 

"Shuddup." He mutters, and he hears Zayn say something about how he definitely needed more sleep.

 

 

"Ey Liam, sorry we’re late, Harry was a little slow." Niall explains, smiling, patting Harry on the back. Liam just shrugs.

 

 

"It’s alright. Let’s get started, yeah?" Liam says, setting his water down, just as Louis walks in.

 

 

"Hey lads, someone really needs to clea- ah! So Nialler and Hazza are finally here, eh?" He grins at Harry, like everything was normal.

 

 

Like nothing happened.

 

 

Like Harry never said anything.

 

~~Because Harry doesn’t mean anything.~~

 

 

Harry  ~~dies inside~~  smiles.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trigger!warning PLEASE LEAVE KUDOS OR COMMENTS TO INSPIRE ME TO WRITE AND UPDATE SOONER :D

Harry has excused himself to the bathroom at least six times within the last three hours, each time being so that he wouldn't break down in front of the lads. Rehearsal was finally over, and Louis and Liam suggested that they all go out to dinner, and Harry reluctantly went, because it'd be easier to go than to answer their questions of why he isn't going. However, there are two surprises waiting at the resteraunt Liam and Louis had decided on.

The first surprise is that Danielle was waiting patiently at a table, and Liam was ecstatic to see her, since she's been so busy dancing lately. They've been dating for a year now, and Harry was glad that one of his best mates was happy. However, the second surprise was not so pleasant. A girl with chestnut hair threw herself into Louis' arms, and he immediately welcomed her, and she fit perfectly in his arms.

"Danielle and Eleanor? You two dragged us along on a double date?" Niall said, faking annoyance, but he was happy when the two girls greeted Niall with a hug, and then Zayn. Eleanor politely introduced herself to Harry since they never officially met, and Danielle just shot Harry a smile. They obviously didn't want to come near him, just because of his posture. He had a blank look on his face and he stood off to the side of the group.

Louis put his arm around Eleanor as she returned to his side, and Harry ~~wanted to cry~~ looked away.

"Swear we didn't drag you along on a double date. Just thought it'd be nice for us all to have dinner and get to know each other some more." Liam says sheepishly, looking apologetic. He and Louis obviously just wanted the girls to be comfortable around their best mates. Zayn laughed, clapping Liam on the back.

"Relax Liam, I'm having dinner with my best mates and two of their beautiful girlfriends, it's perfect." He teased, and as he sat down, Louis made some joke to Zayn that he better not look at his girl, and just like that the tension was gone, and they all started talking. Except for Harry. He turned around, and walked out of the restraunt. He vaguely heard Niall call his name, but he just kept walking, because if he stopped moving, he might start thinking, and if he started thinking, he'd surely break down.

 

He ends up in front of a bar, and even though its barely seven, he goes inside and orders the hardest thing they have. Three hours and fifteen drinks later, Harry is piss drunk, and his words keep slurring, even though he's really just talking to himself, and he keeps falling off the bar stool. Harry takes out his phone, and he's trying to find Niall's number, but a voice that definitely isn't Niall's answers, and even though its not Niall, Harry begs the person to pick him up. The person asks where he is, and when Harry tells him, the person hangs up.

Harry stumbles outside and sits down on the curb and wonders ~~what it'd be like to float away in a sea of alcohol and tears, because that sounds like something he'd like~~  who the person is that he called to pick him up. He's too drunk to properly work the phone, but if their number was in there, then Harry must know him. A car pulls up in front of Harry a while later while he's laying on the sidewalk, and when the driver gets out of the car and leans over Harry, Harry immediately starts giggling. The driver stares at Harry, trying to find the reason for his sudden giggle fit.

"You're the cute boy that teaches us how to dance!" He exclaims, even though the person looming over him definitely was not a boy at all, he was at least 24. A man, in Harry's book. The man sighed, and picked Harry up like he weighed nothing, and carries him to the car, depositing him in the passenger seat. While they're driving to Harry's apartment, Harry remembers that the dance mans name is actually Christian, and they've only been taking dance lessons from him for about two months.

"You're going to be shit at rehearsal tomorrow." Christian said casually, and Harry smiled because he thought Christian had a nice voice.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

In the morning, Harry has a killer headache and a sore bum. He frowns and tries to remember last night, and when it all comes back to him, he feels slightly satisfied with himself. When Christian had parked at Harry's apartment, and turned to tell him to leave, Harry had suddenly kissed him. At first, Harry thought he had made a mistake, but then Christian had kissed him back, and they had sex in the backseat and Harry ~~didnt feel anything~~  told himself he felt something. He then vaguely wondered if by some weird chance, Lucas had seen them. The thought frightened him, and he quickly left his apartment without breakfast.

 

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

 The first half of rehearsal was fine. A little awkward, but they worked on their vocals and as usual, they were all great. The second half of rehearsal wasn't fine. It was time for them to work on their dancing, and Christian burst into the room, a giant grin on his face. Harry had planned on just acting normal, but when Christian slapped his ass and told him what a good fuck he was loud enough for everyone to hear, that plan flew out the window.

Everyone stared at him, but he couldn't bring himself to look anyone in the eyes. He felt sick, and he excused himself and left the room in a hurry. He barely made it to the loo before he threw up bile into the toilet. When he finally stopped, his throat hurt, and he laid down on the cold tile and started to cry. The door opened, and someone was sitting next to Harry and pulling his head into their lap and running their fingers through his curls. Harry opened his eyes to see Zayn, and he sobbed, while Zayn quietly whispered to him that everything would be alright. Harry knew he was lying, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

 

Zayn ended up taking Harry back to his apartment. The lads were all gone when Harry and Zayn had left the loo, so at least Harry didn't have to worry about what to say. Zayn tucked Harry into bed and told him he'd be by in the morning to check on him, and then Zayn left, and Harry was alone. Harry should have just gone to sleep. But he knew he needed to be punished. So once again, he marked his body with his pain in the form of a razor blade, and then he went to sleep. He dreamt of Louis and music and razor blades.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

There was a loud knock on the front door, and Harry woke up, his skin stained with dry blood. He jumped up and cursed as he pulled on a sweatshirt and headed for the front door. He opened it, and grimaces involuntarily when he saw Zayn, knowing they'd have to talk about yesterday. He let Zayn inside, and followed him to the couch, telling himself that no matter what, he couldn't cry. They sat down next to each other on the couch and Harry stared at the blank TV screen while Zayn stared at him.

"What happened yesterday with Christian?" Zayn asked, and Harry started to cry, even though he promised himself he wouldn't, because everything just hurt too much  ~~a~~ ~~nd he wished he was dead~~. Zayn scooted closer to Harry, and Harry leaned into him, allowing himself to be held.

"I got piss drunk a couple nights ago, and I called him to come pick me up." Harry says softly, his voice slightly muffled as he buried his head in Zayn's shirt.

 ~~He missed when Louis would comfort him like this~~. Zayn stayed quiet, waiting for Harry to finish his explanation.

"When we got to my place, I kissed him, and he fucked me in the backseat." Harry's done talking now, and he's glad Zayn is holding him, because it helps him feel better, if only just a little bit. "

Why?" Zayn asks, and a choked sob escapes Harry's throat, because that's the one question he hoped Zayn wouldn't ask him. What is he supposed to tell him? Because he wants to feel something? Because he isn't worth anything? Because he likes to imagine its Louis kissing him? Why? Harry suddenly scrambled to get away from Zayn, and he bolted to the door, opening it, looking at Zayn.

"You need to leave." He says, and it doesn't sound tough like he wants it to, it sounds weak and strained. Zayn is kind enough to not say anything. He just nods and walks out, probably deciding that he would just talk to the other lads about it. Harry watched Zayn as he left, and then he slammed the door and locked it. He walks to his bedroom and he lays on his bed and cries, and then he cries some more because he can't stop crying and that makes him angry. He finally cries out every tear he has, and he ends up just wandering aimlessly around his apartment. His stomach grumbles, and Harry wonders when the last time he ate was.

 

He can't remember.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The very next day, Harry knows he has to go to rehearsal and face the lads. They leave for tour in a couple days, which just made Harry even more upset.

When Harry gets to the rehearsal studio, he knows something is wrong, because the whole place just felt... off. He walks inside, and freezes when he sees four boys sitting in various places around the room, their expressions solemn. He clears his throat, and four pairs of eyes snap to look at him and he thinks that maybe  ~~Louis has beautiful eyes even when they're full of disappointment~~ he should leave.

"Are we going to get started?" Harry asks, and it was obvious that the lads wanted to talk and that Harry didn't want to talk, especially not in front of Louis.

"Mate, we're worried about you." Niall speaks first, and Harry feels guilty for the surge of anger that flows through his body at the Irish boys words.

~~~~_They aren't worried about you, they're just worried you'll mess up one of their shows._

The little voice in Harry's head really hurt.

"No you aren't." Harry found himself saying, and what surprised him the most was how sure of himself and confident he sounded. It gave him a strange satisfaction. A strangled whining sound vibrated throughout the room, and Harry turned to find the culprit, and all he saw was Louis curled up in a ball, tears evident in his eyes.

"Haz-" Louis' voice broke slightly, "-since when did you start to let people you hardly know just...  _use_ you?"

~~Since I realized that you don't love me and I'm just worthless.~~

"They aren't using me." Harry defends quickly, his voice snappy, and Louis whimpers, curling up into himself. Harry kind of wanted to punch him, because he was just putting on a show for the boys. He didn't really care.

"Please, Harry. Just... talk to us." Liam spoke, and Harry clenched his fists, and let out a loud sigh.

"You won't hear anything anyways." Harry says, slightly remorsefully. He then turns, and walks out of the rehearsal studio.

 

He thninks maybe he should start carrying his blade around with him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii! please comment if you like it! xx

Harry's phone hasn't stopped ringing all afternoon. The lads have been taking turns calling him, but he just ignored them. He left his phone on the counter and decided he needed some fresh air. He grabs his keys and steps outside, but before he even gets the chance to shut the door, a hand grabs him by the back of his shirt collar, pulling him backwards. Harry stumbles, surprised, and he recognizes Lucas's hands as he's pulled into the older man's apartment.

 

"I didn't get to finish what I started." Lucas breathes and Harry vaguely wonders if he should try and leave. However, when he recieves a punch to the jaw after attempting to back away, he decides that maybe, he'll just stay here and take what he deserves.

 

 

 

A little over an hour later, Harry's laying on his couch in his apartment, a bag of ice resting on his jaw. He couldn't bring himself to look in the mirror to see how bad the bruise on his jaw was. He had looked in the mirror earlier, but once he spotted the newly formed hickey on his neck, and the bruise in the shape of fingerprints on his wrist, he threw up, and had to leave the bathroom.

A knock on the door snaps Harry out of his daze, and, as if on instinct, he scrambles to pull his sleeves down to hide his scars and new bruise. He throws the ice pack in the trash, and the door is being opened, and Harry realizes it must be one of the lads, since they all have keys to each others apartments.

"Harry?" Niall pokes his head in, and Harry sighs in relief, seeing it was just the kind Irish lad.

"What's up, Nialler?" Harry tries his best to sound normal, but his voice sounds a little strained, and Niall would have to be deaf not to notice it.

"Look, the lads and I are going out tonight... Figured you'd wanna come, right?" Niall looks hopeful, and Harry doesn't have the heart to say no, even though he knows he'll regret this.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Harry quickly found out that he was a rather good actor.

_Perhaps I should have gone into acting._ He muses from his spot on the tour bus, running his fingers through his hair.

This was their first day on the bus, and to say Harry was nervous was an understatement. He had been doing his best to act normal around the lads, he really had. But that didn't change the fact that every time Louis glanced at him, there was a sharp pang in Harry's chest that usually wouldn't go away until he punished himself.

Harry was lucky enough to never run out of ways to punish himself.

Sometimes, he would willingly let Lucas come into his apartment and fuck him ruthlessly. Then Lucas would usually throw in a few punches, before leaving. Lucas didn't take it so well when Harry told him that he was leaving for tour. In fact, Harry had went to sleep last night with more bruises than he'd like to count.

 

He wasn't sure if he was relieved or not that he's going to be away from Lucas for a couple months.

 

Of course, he still had his other vices. His skin was littered with his pain in the form of a razor blade. Harry couldn't even remember the last time he ate something.

Whenever he went to eat, he thought about how thin Eleanor was, and he would smoothly drop the food in the trash.

 

"Harry?" Zayn's voice snaps Harry out of his thoughts, and he looks up to see all of the lads staring at him. He frowns, suddenly self-concious.

"What?" He asks, and all of the boys seem to exchange a look, and all Harry can think is  _not right now_. Harry doesn't have time to listen to them talk about how worried they were about him. ~~T~~ ~~hey're all such fucking liars~~.

"You just seemed out of it, mate. You alright?" Zayn asks, and Harry wants to laugh because he's obviously anything but alright.

"M'fine." He mumbles in response, and that's that. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

They're going on stage in an hour, and Harry thought he'd be able to make it through the night, but now he's not so sure. Louis has been on the phone with Eleanor for twenty minutes now, and Harry has done nothing but listen to how in love with her Louis sounded. Finally, deciding he couldn't listen anymore, he stands up, quickly exiting the green room, despite Liam calling his name. They weren't supposed to leave the green room, but fuck, Harry couldn't stay in there and just listen to Louis break his heart. Harry soon realizes that he's not completely sure where he is, since he was just walking and now he's lost in a maze of hallways. However, footsteps echo through the hall, and Harry speeds up his walking and turns the corner and- _fuck_. Of course he would run into Christian, right now.

"Harry!" Christian looks sincerely pleased, and Harry hopes Christian doesn't want a relationship or anything just because they had sex, because Harry can't handle the thought of being with anyone else besides Louis. Harry finally nods at Christian in acknowledgment, and he makes to walk past him, and Harry realizes what's going to happen. The same thing that happens with Lucas every night.

"Maybe we could have some fun before your show, yeah?" He breathes, and Harry doesn't move, because he's been through this before, he knows the routine.

_The more you move, the longer this is going to take._  Lucas's words echoed through Harry's head, so he lets Christian kiss him, and he lets Christian slide his hand into his pants, and he prays that Christian won't hit him.

"Hey!" Harry's eyes snap open, because that voice doesn't belong to Christian, and his first thought is that some stagehand is going to come yell at them.

Harry definitely had not expected Louis to suddenly shove Christian away from Harry, nor had he expected him to punch Christian so hard that the older man fell over.

"Don't fucking touch him, you piece of shit." Louis snarls, and Christian just groans in response. Louis looks like he wants to say more, or maybe just beat him up some more, but he doesn't get the chance to, because Harry bursts into tears, right there in the middle of the hallway.

Louis is taken by surprise when Harry suddenly loses it, but he quickly wraps his arm around him, and leads him away.

Harry isn't sure how, but somehow Louis got him into a dressing room, and now he's sitting on a couch, trying to muffle his pathetic sobs. Louis trails his fingers down his best mates cheek, wishing desperately that he could fix whatever Harry had gotten himself into. His fingers pause when they reach Harry's jaw, and there's a dark purple, nasty looking bruise, and Louis wonders why he didn't notice this until now.

"Oh, Harry," Louis sighs deeply, "what have you gotten yourself into?"

 

This only makes Harry cry harder.

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Somehow, Harry got through the concert. He also got through watching a movie with the lads on the tour bus, even though Louis was beind oddly physical with Harry after Harry's little breakdown earlier. Instead of overthinking it though, Harry had decided to just enjoy it, and he let himself snuggle into Louis' side.

The movie was over now, and the five band members didn't move, comfortable the way they were, with their limbs entangled.

Of course, nothing ever goes the way it should. A ringing phone breaks the silence, and Louis immediately scrambles to his feet, claiming that it's Eleanor's ringtone.

Harry hesitates, the space next to him empty and cold, which he thought was kind of funny because that's how he felt inside too. An arm wrapped around Harry, and he turned to see Niall looking at him with sympathy. Even though Harry didn't want anyone to pity him, he was too tired to care, so he cuddled up into Niall and let himself fall asleep.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO SORRY! I think this was kind of a filler. the next chapter will bee MUCH BETTER! I PROMISE. and remember!! comments make me update faster ;)
> 
> I LOVE YOU ALL
> 
> xx


	5. Chapter Five

Harry stares at himself in the mirror, and wonders why how he even manages to get laid, with a face like his. Instead of trying to figure out that mystery though, he takes a deep breath, makes sure the bathroom door is locked, and tugs off his shirt. He closes his eyes when he drops his shirt on the floor, afraid to see what he's become.

 _Don't be such a fucking coward._  Harry thinks the voice inside his head is rather mean, and he's thinking about giving it a name.

He opens his eyes.

The sight he's greeted with, is horrendous. Harry flinches as he looks over himself in the mirror, and even though he looks so awful, he doesn't cry, because he knows he deserves to look and feel this way. He lifts his hand up to his chest, and slowly runs it down his chest. He can count his ribs, and in the back of his mind he wonders if Eleanor can do that.

It tickles a bit as he runs his fingers over his ribs, and he drops his hand and smiles, because he's made such progress with his weight loss. He finally stops staring at his protruding ribs and shifts his eyes to the scornful red lines that were so perfectly placed along his arms and hips.

Harry thinks they're ugly and beautiful at the same time, and he wishes that Louis could see them, because he really wants to share this with him, and he knows that's fucked up, but seeing his protruding ribs and his arms covered in angry red lines takes his breath away.

He wonders if it would take away anyone else's breath.

And he wonders if they'd be in awe, or if they'd be disgusted.

Just as he's lifting his hand up to run them across the bumps of the marks of his pain, there's a knock on the door and Harry scrambles for his shirt, pulling it on and tugging the sleeves down. It was practically instinct now.

Harry unlocks the door and opens it and is greeted with the sight of Zayn. His hand is raised in the air, like he was about to knock one more time, and Harry flinches, even though Zayn would never hit him.

"Sorry mate, all yours." Harry says, forcing a smile, shoving his way past Zayn before any questions can be asked. He should know better then to spend so much time in the bathroom, since Zayn already takes so long in the bathroom.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Harry kind of wishes he didn't have to hide his prominent ribs under baggy shirts and sweatshirts. He had to though, otherwise people would start asking questions.

They were in a hotel room for the night, and to be honest, Harry wasn't completely sure where they were. He barely finishes pulling on a white t-shirt and then a jacket, when Liam barges into the room, phone in hand.

"Is Zayn ready yet?" He asks, obviously impatient. Harry chuckles, and shakes his head, as Liam sat down on the edge of Zayn's bed. Harry was sharing a room with Zayn because  ~~he was afraid to be alone with Louis~~ Louis wanted to be by himself.

The lads were all going out tonight, and Niall and Louis were waiting downstairs in the lobby, probably wondering what the hell was taking so long. Harry sighs, running his fingers through his hair, when the bathroom door is thrown open, and Zayn steps out, his hair perfect.

"Finally." Liam mutters, and Zayn grins, winking at him. He was in a playful mood, excited for a night out.

"Oi, calm down Liam, it isn't like the clubs going to run out of girls that want to have sex with us." He jokes, and Liam flushes red and punches him in the arm, muttering something about how he isn't looking for a one night stand. Then they start wrestling all of a sudden and Harry thinks of how typical and normal this is. He finds himself chuckling, because he likes when they joke around like this, it makes it easy for him to forget about his own problems.

"What are you laughing at, Curly?" Zayn raises an eyebrow, a smirk tugging at his lips.

"Sorry Zaynie, just think you should stop picking fights with LiLi. He always wins." He teases, and Liam grins, and everything is nice, and Harry's joking with them and they're all smiling and everything is just  _normal_.

"Are you kidding me? I could kick your ass for saying that, Styles." Zayn shoots back, and he's grinning when he grabs Harry and tackles him to the bed, and he doesn't notice when Harry stops laughing and flinches, before he remembers that this is  _Zayn_ and that they're messing around and just being normal.

"Oi, screw off!" Harry laughs, attempting to get out of Zayn's grip, but Zayn has his arms locked around his waist and is grinning.

"Say uncle!" He demands, and Harry laughs weakly, restraining himself from rolling his eyes.

When Harry finally says uncle, it takes him a second to realize that Zayn isn't smiling anymore, and his grip on Harry tightens.

Harry visibly flinches, and it happens so fast that Harry isn't sure it happens at all, but Zayn grabs the bottom of his shirt and yanks it up, and sees his ribs sticking out, and his hip bones, and Zayn just thinks of how  _fragile_ he looks.

"What the fuck?!" Harry cries, pulling his shirt down hastily. He moves to get off the bed and away from Zayn, but Zayn just grabs his wrist, and Harry can feel Liam staring at them, and he can't look either of them in the eye.

"You're... you're so thin, Harry." Zayn whispers, and all Harry can think is  _then why doesn't Louis love me._

"I'm fine." Harry finds himself saying, and the bed creaks as Liam sits down next to Harry.

"When was the last time you ate something?" Liam asks, and Harry's mouth runs dry, because all of a sudden he forgot how to lie, and he didn't want them to be disgusted with him.

When Harry doesn't answer, Zayn tightens his grip on Harry's hand, and Liam asks again, this time in his tone that tells Harry that he isn't going anywhere until he answers. The problem is, it takes Harry a second, because he hasn't eaten in so long that it takes him a while to remember.

"Monday." He finally says meekly, and it's Friday night, and Liam just gasps, and stands up, his hands flying to his head.

"What the fuck, Harry?!" He yells, raising his hands, and Harry yanks his hands up to block his face, but the blow never comes.

Suddenly, Liam is crying, and Zayn is holding Harry, and Harry's confused, because nobody hit him, even though he obviously misbehaved.

"Oh god Harry, why did you think Liam was going to hit you?" Zayn's voice is desperate, and Harry curls up into him and doesn't answer the question.

"Please don't tell Niall or Louis."  Harry begs, because he doesn't want anymore pity then he's already getting.

Liam sobs into his hands.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Harry's thankful for one thing that night. When Zayn lifted his shirt, he didn't notice the cuts on Harry's hips, and Harry thinks that if there is a God, he must be looking out for him.

They didn't end up going out, and Liam just told Niall and Louis that Harry was sick. So, Niall and Louis went out, while Harry laid in bed, with Zayn and Liam on either side of him. It was kind of nice, because they made him feel like he was cared for, which was something he hasn't felt in a while. So Harry just closes his eyes, and falls asleep with their arms around him.

 

When morning comes, Liam and Zayn don't say anything about the night before, but they're watching him very closely, and at breakfast, Harry makes a show of eating an apple, even though after he's eaten it, he feels sick to his stomach.

Finally though, the boys make their way to the stadium for their concert that night, and Harry thinks that when they're getting ready for the show, Liam and Zayn will be excited, and forget to make a fuss over Harry. However, when they're all in the dressing room, and Harry isn't changing in front of the other lads like he used to, Niall speaks up.

"Come on mate, we have ten minutes before hair and make-up, just hurry up and get changed. It's not like we haven't seen everything." He jokes dryly, one leg in a pair of jeans, hopping around to try and get them on.

Harry doesn't want to change in front of them though, for obvious reasons, and he wishes that they would all hurry up and get changed and leave, because he isn't allowed to go anywhere else just to change.

When Harry doesn't make any move to start changing, Louis rolls his eyes.

"For God's sake Haz, just change, it's not that big of a deal." Louis says, obviously getting impatient as he pulls his shirt on.

Harry opens his mouth to respond, but Liam beats him to it.

"He won't change, because he isn't eating." Liam blurts it out, and Harry wonders if he actually just said that, and Niall and Louis are staring at Liam like he's grown a second head.

"Come on Liam, that isn't funny." Niall says weakly, because he's desperately praying that Liam is just joking, because he can't imagine anyone being so unhappy that they would just stop eating.

"It's true." Zayn says, taking a deep breath, avoiding eye contact with Harry. "Last time he ate was Monday, except for the apple he had this morning."

Harry feels like he wants to die. No one says anything for a couple minutes, and Niall finally clears his throat.

"You're too thin, Harry. I don't know why I didn't notice before." Niall says the last part softly, as if he's talking to himself. Harry doesn't say anything, and Louis suddenly steps towards Harry.

"What the fuck? Do you even realize how stupid that is? God, Harry, you need food to live! Why on earth would you starve yourself?" Harry thinks that Louis was probably harsher then he meant to be, but that doesn't make the words hurt any less.

Harry can't handle it.

"You don't actually care, so stop acting like it Louis." Harry snaps, and he takes a step towards Louis, anger fueling his words. "Last I checked, you were  _fucking disgusted_ by me. So you have  **no** right to ask me why I'm doing anything." Harry takes a deep breath, and heads for the door, his hand on the knob.

"Harry-" Louis starts to say, but Harry doesn't want to hear it.

"Fuck you, Louis." Harry snaps, and the tension in the room is so thick that it could be cut with a knife. Harry yanks the door open and slams it shut behind him. He takes off running down the hall, and he doesn't know where he's going, he just knows that everything inside of him hurts and he's sad and he has too many feelings.

A couple stage hands call after Harry, but he ignores them and finds the door with the bright red EXIT sign hanging over it. He bursts through it, and he doesn't take a second to catch his breath, he just keeps on running.

He runs into a hard body though, and when he's knocked to the sidewalk, he looks up to see who it is he ran into, and he swears his heart stops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE COMMENT AND LEAVE KUDOS I LOVE ALL OF YOU YAY :D
> 
> sorry for any grammar or spelling problems. xx


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trigger!warning. also, please read the end note!

"What are you doing just laying there?" That's definitely not what Harry thought would be the first thing Lucas would say to him, and he definitely didn't expect Lucas to help him up to his feet.

"I, just.. I, uh." Harry stumbles over his words, unsure of what to say. "What are you doing here?" He blurts out, hoping the question wouldn't anger Lucas. Lucas simply smiles and wraps his arm around Harry's shoulders, leading him back towards the stadium.

"I came to support my boyfriend." He explains, and Harry vaguely wonders when they became boyfriends, not that he'd really have a choice either way.

"Oh, right... I guess I'll just... take you backstage, yeah? Unless you're hungry. We could grab something to eat." Harry usually isn't this talkative, but he really doesn't want to go back to the stadium. Lucas seems rather excited to go though as he shakes his head, and Harry sighs. When they do arrive back at the doors that led backstage, the security guards there simply glare at Harry, and Lucas takes Harry's hand and intertwines his fingers.

Harry doesn't know why Lucas is being so nice to him. He briefly wonders if he should enjoy someone being nice to him while it lasts.

"Harry!" Niall screeches, his eyes landing on Harry. "God, what were you thinking?! We go on in ten!" Niall exclaims, and Harry winces, as Lucas tightens his grip on Harry's hand. The other lads were all standing around a table of food, and none of them have seen to taken notice of Harry yet.

"I'll just, uhm, go get changed quickly." Harry stammers, and he pulls Lucas towards the dressing room. He shuts the door after them, and he starts to undress, and when he starts to pull a pair of jeans on, he hears Lucas sigh.

"Have you gained some weight, Harry?" Lucas asks softly, and Harry wants to cry as he pulls on his shirt, because he had thought he was doing so well with staying thin.

"I haven't been eating." Harry promises, though he thinks back to that apple he ate earlier, and he wonders if Lucas can tell he's lying.

He can.

"Liar." He snaps, and angry Lucas is back, and Harry's being shoved against a wall and Paul's knocking on the door and Lucas looks like he's debating whether or not to punish Harry right now.

"Harry, you need to be on stage  _now_!" Paul's voice is urgent, and Lucas lets go of Harry and quickly composes himself. Harry stumbles towards the door, and opens it, forcing himself to smile.

It's just one concert.

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Harry is honestly surprised that he made it through the concert. Now, they're all in the lobby of the hotel they're staying at, and Lucas has a tight grip on Harry, and Zayn finally decides to ask the question everybodys thinking.

"So, Harry, who is this?" Zayn asks, nodding towards Lucas.

"I'm his boyfriend." Lucas answers instead, tightening his grip on Harry's waist. Harry quickly nods in agreement like he's supposed to. Liam nods in approvement, and Harry thinks that maybe everything will be okay.

But nothing ever goes the way Harry wants.

 

 

Niall asks how long they've been together, and Lucas answers, and Harry sees the lads doing the math in their heads.

 

"It's great that you guys are still together after the whole Christian fiasco." Louis says, his mouth twitching with a smile, and for the first time, Harry just wants to punch Louis in his stupid mouth. Then kiss him. Fuck.

Lucas stiffens, and Harry just nods like he's agreeing with Louis.

"Right. Well, Harry's exhausted, so I need to get him to bed." Lucas says, and his tone is sweet and caring, and the lads nod, and Harry wants to scream for them not to leave him alone with Lucas, even though he deserves it.

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It's two in the morning when Harry wakes up, and his whole body hurts. His throat is raw from trying to scream around the gag in his mouth, and he's laying on the floor in his hotel room. His clothes are somewhere across the room, and when Harry forces himself to sit up, the pain is sharper, and he winces, tears welling in his eyes. He pushes through it, and stands up, walking towards his clothes.

He passes the mirror, and stops to take a look.

There's blood around his groin area, and his skin is dark and purple and there's a cut on his lip. He turns away, grabbing his clothes, yanking them on. He feels empty inside, and he can't handle it, and  _fuck._

_  
_He's yanking open the door of his hotel room and storming into the hall suddenly, because fuck, all he can think of is _him._

Harry walks down the hall towards Louis' room, and he lifts his fist to bang on the door, when he stops. Something is hanging on the doorknob, and Harry realizes it's a scarf, a girl's scarf, tied around it, which is the bands symbol for if they ever have a girl in their room.

It hits Harry hard that _Eleanor_ is in there with Louis, and  _he isn't._

He stumbles away from the door, and he's sobbing, and he can't stop, and he can't feel anything but the unbearable heart ache and  _he needs to feel something else._

_  
_A door in the hallway opens, and Harry doesn't notice, he's too busy tearing at his shirt and digging his nails into the freshest cuts. They bleed and bleed and he still can't feel it so he digs some more.

Some arms wrap around him, and he vaguely hears Niall yelling at him to stop, to calm down, that he's scaring him. He hears Zayn open the door and stare at them in shock, and he hears Liam yelling to be told what's going on, and he hears Louis finally coming out to tell them all to shut up, but of course he falls silent when he sees Harry and Niall.

Niall yells at him again to stop, trying to restrain him, and Harry thrashes against him, crying and screaming and trying to hurt himself.

"I can't! I FUCKING CAN'T!" He screams, and he ends up elbowing Niall in the ribs, and he finally gets his chance, and he runs to his room, ignoring the pounding of footsteps behind him. He slams the door of his hotel room shut just in time, and he vaguely wonders if it's a good thing that they have a whole floor of the hotel to themselves.

"Harry! Open this door!" That's Liam. Harry sighs softly, trying to calm himself down. He needs to be logical about this. He looks around the room, and grabs a chair, dragging it to the door, propping it under the doorknob.

"Harry, please!" Liam begs, and Harry sighs, leaning against the door.

"I can't, LiLi." Harry speaks gently, but loud enough for Liam to hear him.

"Harry," Zayn. "I know... I know you're going through some shit right now... But please just let us be there for you. Just tell us how you're feeling."

"I tried." Harry sobs, remembering all the times with Louis, and then the time when he finally got through, and he got pushed away. "I tried so hard for you to love me, why didn't you love me?" His sobs are louder and it's hard to breathe, and he bangs his fist against the door. "I just wanted you, Louis." He attempts to get his voice under control, and he hears a sob from the other side of the door. Harry figures he owes the boys an explanation before he goes.

"Then Lucas happened, and Christian, and,  _fuck._ I just... I can't do it." Harry cries, and he doesn't notice the rustling movement from the bed, but then Lucas is standing beside him, and Harry's confused, because he had just assumed that Lucas had left.

"Can't do what, Harry?" Lucas asks, and his voice is so calm and serene and Harry finally feels something, he feels  _scared_.

"Fuck, is that Lucas?" He hears Zayn ask, and Harry tries to dodge past Lucas and make a run for the window because there's a fire escape, but Lucas grabs him, and he starts screaming again, begging for him not to hurt him again, he can't take it.

"You're such a slut, Harry. Going behind my back and flirting with other guys?" Lucas snarls, and Harry whimpers, and he hears banging at the door, and maybe in the distance he hears sirens but he's not sure.

Lucas slams him onto the floor and then his head is being bashed into the tile and he can taste his own blood and Harry would have much preferred drowning to this, because he pictured drowning as being peaceful, but this... this isn't peaceful at all.

"Harry!" A voice cries out, but they're still banging at the door, and Lucas is still banging Harry's head, and everything is broken.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, thank you so much for all of your comments! I read every single one of them, and they really do encourage me to update faster. I love you all! xx
> 
> Also, this was a hard chapter to write, PLEASE LEAVE FEEDBACK. I really need it! xx


	7. I Hope I Drown In Thoughts of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trigger!warning

  **Chapter Seven**

Harry’s first thought when he was standing in the middle of a white room, was that he was still alive. His second thought was a string of curse words. Harry started to notice though, that the empty white room, was just that- empty. There was literally nothing, and there he was, standing in the middle of the room, wearing the exact clothes he had been in when Lucas had started beating him. Harry’s third thought popped into his head- _Am I dead?_

 

_____________________________________________________

 

Zayn sat next to Harry’s hospital bed, gripping his hand tightly. The town they had been staying the night in was small, and they ended up transferring Harry back to their hometown, which was good, because it meant he didn’t have to go back to the hotel where everything went so wrong. His eyes trail over Harry’s thin, emaciated body. He cringes, wishing that he had gotten help for Harry. He just didn’t want to jeopardize their image, and he knew that was selfish.

 

****

**_FLASHBACK_ **

_A really buff paramedic, Jim, ended up breaking down the door to Harry’s hotel room, with some help. It had been ten minutes since they had last heard Harry whimper by the time the paramedics did get there. The door to the hotel room slammed open and three paramedics rushed into the room with a stretcher. Zayn couldn’t help but stare in horror at the room- the window was open, the curtains were ripped, and the bed, oh god. It was covered in blood and semen, and shit- there were claw marks on the wall and even on the floor. The mirror was broken, and all Zayn could think, was how did they not realize what was happening? Then Zayn vaguely remembers Niall joking about how Harry must be into some kinky shit when they had heard some of what was going on, and Zayn had just shrugged it off._

_Niall cringed when he spotted the room, and buried his face into Zayn’s shirt immediately, wrapping his arms around Zayn, unable to look at the room, and especially unable to look at Harry._

_Liam watched with a tragic look in his eyes as the paramedics started shouting orders at each other, and they lifted Harry on to the stretcher and fuck- there was so much fucking blood._

  _Louis didn’t really know where to look first. First, he looked around the room, and his heart ached in his chest. Then, he looked at Harry, because he deserved to see what he had done to his Harry. He stared at Harry for a couple seconds, before collapsing, his body shaking with the sobs that he couldn’t get out._

**_END FLASHBACK_ **

 

 

“Hey, how’s he doin’?” Liam asks as he walks into the room, bags under his eyes, and a water bottle in his hand. Zayn shrugs, his eyes grazing over Harry again.

“Nothing changed while you were gone.” He says, sighing. The door opens again, and Zayn snaps his head towards the door as the doctor walks in.

“We got some tests back.” The doctor says, Gary, Liam thinks his name is.

“And?” Liam encourages, eager to hear what the doctor has to say.

“I think your other two friends should here this. You are all close, correct?” Gary asks, and Zayn nods in confirmation, as Liam gets up to go find Louis and Niall.

Zayn is left in uncomfortable silence with the doctor, with the exception of Harry’s slow beating heart machine. Liam finally walks in with Niall trailing behind him, and then Louis, who kept his eyes cast down towards the floor, afraid that if he looked at Harry, he’d break.

Once everyone sort of settled down, the doctor cleared his throat, and Niall vaguely thought of how it annoyed him when people cleared their throats loudly.

“We’ve stabilized him, for the time being. However, there are bruises and injuries on his body that suggests that his boyfriend-”

“Ex-boyfriend.” Louis snaps, and that’s the first thing he’s said all night, and the doctor suddenly looks uncomfortable, and he takes a deep breath before continuing.

“-ex-boyfriend, has been abusing him for quite some time now. There was profuse bleeding coming from his anus, and it is quite clear that non-consensual penetration has also been going on for quite some time. He has starved himself for such long periods of time, that his body is in starvation mode, and is starting to burn muscle and tissue in order to keep going. Also...” The doctor hesitated, and Niall was thankful, since he’s already crying, because _fuck_ this is a lot to take in.

“Just tell us.” Louis says quietly, his elbows resting on his knees as he leaned forward, his eyes on the tile. The doctor sighs quietly, and Niall is worried, because what could be worse than what they’d already been told?

“He has been self-harming for quite some time. There are more cuts all over his body than I can count. The abuse he took from his _ex-boyfriend_ , combined with the abuse he’s been showing his body himself, and the eating disorder, we- well, at this point, we aren’t sure if his body is going to pull through. We’re going to do all that we can though, his body is just so... weak. That’s why his body is in a coma, it’s trying to repair itself right now, but we aren’t sure that it can.” The doctor finishes, and a sob echoes throughout the room, and all that Liam can think is that he hates when Louis is hurting like this, because his sobs are always the loudest and the most pain-filled.

 

The boys don’t even notice when the doctor leaves. Liam moves to sit next to Louis and wrap his arms around him, in an attempt to comfort him. Zayn just sits there, emotionless. He glances over at Niall, and sees the younger boy sitting in the chair, tears streaming down his cheeks while his lip quivers. Zayn glances at Louis and Liam, and makes a quick decision.

“Come on Niall, lets go get you some fresh clothes and some food.” Zayn says, not giving the younger lad a choice as he grabs his arm and pulls him up and out of the hospital room. Niall sniffles, but doesn’t refuse Zayn, just lets him guide him wordlessly.

Niall is silent in the car while Zayn drives them back to the complex they both live in. When they park, Zayn gets out of the car, and then he helps Niall out of the car, because Niall can’t really hold himself up right now.

 

 

They go to Zayn’s flat, because Zayn always has everything, and because Niall thinks he lost his keys somewhere back at the hotel. Zayn opens the door and walks inside with Niall sagging against his shoulder. He shuts the door and turns to Niall, opening his mouth to ask Niall if he wants to eat first or shower first, when hot lips are on his, and slender fingers are tangled in his hair all of a sudden.

“Niall-” Zayn tries to speak, but it’s hard with Niall’s lips attacking him like this, “-Niall, what, what-”

“Don’t think about it.” Niall whispers, and Zayn shivers, and he realizes that he shivers in the _that’s kind of hot_ way, and not in the _this is bad_ way.

Suddenly, Zayn is kissing Niall back, just as roughly as Niall had been kissing him, and their tongues are fighting for dominance. A moan escapes from the back of Niall’s throat as Zayn pushes him against the wall. He leans his head back so that Zayn can have access to his neck, and he starts to rub himself against Zayn and _fuck_ it feels so good, and they both need this.

 

___________________________________________________________

 

 

Harry decides that he should practice his speeches to each of the lads in case he did wake up, while he was trapped in this empty white room. At first, it seems a bit silly, but after he gets through three of the lads, he’s a lot more comfortable, and he lays down on the floor-if you could call it that-, and he starts talking again.

“Louis,” He starts, “Louis, Louis, Louis. I love your name. I love the way it feels so right in my mouth. I love your name even more when it’s in a sentence with my name. Louis and Harry. Harry and Louis. Louis and Harry Tomlinson. I used to think about us getting married all of the time.” Harry pauses for a moment, smiling at the fantasies he had created in his head. His smile slowly fades as he stares up.

“Now, I just think about whether I want to live or not, all the time. Sometimes I want to live for you, and other times I don’t want to live, because I don’t really see a point in life without you. That sounds a bit silly, doesn’t it? I feel like I’m saying good-bye right now, instead of saying hello again.” Harry sighs, thoughtful.

“I might be dead right now, Lou. I always pictured heaven different from a big empty white room though, you know? I pictured heaven like this lovely beach, with a house in the sand, and that house would be our house, and you would race me from the house to the ocean to see who would get there first. That sounds nice, doesn’t it? Well, maybe not to you since you don’t love me, but it sounds nice to me.” Harry smiles slightly, because he loves all these fantasies he creates in his mind.

“Since I’m dead Louis, I think I’m going to pretend that things were different between us, and that you really loved me. I hope that’s okay, but even if it isn’t, you can’t really do anything about it, since I’m dead and you aren’t. Thinking of you seems like a nice way to spend death.” Harry’s voice is gentle, and he glances around him, sighing.

“I wonder if this is where the crazy people go when they die- an empty white room, where they’re left to drown in their thoughts.” Harry doesn’t really mind that, if that’s what this is.

“I hope I drown in thoughts of you, Louis.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ THIS:
> 
> OHMYGAWD I LOVE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH. Comment please! BTW, the parts about Harry, that's kind of him in his head in his comatose state, just in case that wasnt clear.  
> LOVE YOU ALL
> 
> xx


	8. Don't Wake Me Up

It's been a week since everything fell apart.

Though, if Harry were awake, he would argue that things fell apart a long time ago.

 

Louis sat next to Harry's hospital bed, and he was holding Harry's hand, trying not to think of how cold and lifeless it felt.

"You're such a prick, Haz." Louis whispers, dropping his head to rest his forehead on the edge of the bed. "You could have talked to one of us. Why didn't you talk to one of us?" Louis knows why Harry didn't talk to any of them, but if he says that enough, maybe it'll take the guilt off of his shoulders.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Harry can hear Louis.

Why can he hear Louis?

He doesn't want to hear Louis.

He wants to stay here, with his fantasy Louis, who doesn't talk, but kisses him instead and holds him tight.

"I'm trying to get angry at you, Harry, but I can't. I was the one who fucked everything up." Louis says and Harry furrows his brown in confusion. Fucked what up? He couldn't remember. The longer he's here, with his fantasy Louis, the less he remembers about his actaul Louis.

"Do you think you could wake up? Maybe not for me, but for yourself, yeah? You still have your whole life ahead of you. Besides, your mum misses you." Louis' voice is gentle, and Harry wants to cry, because he forgot how gentle his voice was. His fantasy Louis is gone now, and all that's left is Louis' voice.

LouisLouisLouisLouis.

_"Harry! Get back here!" Louis whines, and Harry giggles, as he runs into their shared room at the X-Factor house, looking around for somewhere to hide from Louis._

_Suddenly, there's a weight on his back, and he squeals, falling down as Louis starts to viciously tickle him._

_"You think you can pull a prank on me and get away with it? Think again, Styles!" Louis cries out, as Harry thrashes and giggles underneath him on the floor._

 

No, no, no, no. Harry doesn't want to remember. That's why he's here. To forget.

 

_"There's so many people out there, Lou." Harry whispers, peeking out from backstage, nervousness starting to flood through his body._

_"You're darn right there are." Louis says, pulling Harry backwards. "So you better not mess up."_

_Harry's eyes widen at the thought of messing up, in front of all of those people. What would he do, then?_

_A light laugh fills his ears, and Louis grabs Harry's hand, intertwining their fingers._

_"Oh, relax my little Haz. They're going to love you, even if you do mess up, which you won't, because you're perfect." Louis grins goofily, and Harry feels himself relax just at the sight of Louis._

_He feels a bit better._

_  
_Harry can hear someone screaming for help, and he vaguely wonders why. The room he's in is getting darker. He's afraid. He tries to scream, but he can't find his voice. He wants everything to stop.

 

_"Whatcha starin at there, Haz? Makin' me nervous." Louis laughs, and Harry doesn't notice the shakiness in his laugh. Harry just smiles, tilting his head slightly._

_"Nothin'. I just think you're really beautiful, Lou." Harry doesn't think it's weird that he says that, and he hopes Louis doesn't think it's weird either._

_"Aw, Haz. You tryin' to make the Tommo blush?" Louis teases him, and it's Harry who blushes, because that's just the kind of effect that Louis has on him._

_  
_"Harry, Harry! Stay with me, alright? You're going to make it through, yeah? Stay with me!" A voice chants, and Harry realizes that it's Louis' voice. Harry tries to reach his arms out, he's so afraid of the darkness that's closing in on him, he just wants his Boo Bear.

"Louis!" His voice finally cries.

 

_"You and Harry are pretty close, yeah?" Liam mentions it casually, and Harry leans against the door as quietly as possible, wanting to hear how Louis responds to this._

_"I'm not gay, Liam." Louis' voice is stiff and cold, and Harry flinches like he's just been punched in the stomach, and he's not sure why._

_"Never said you were, mate." Liam replies, and that's the end of their conversation._

 

Harry is sobbing now, thrashing around violently in the darkness that's closing in.

"Louis, Louis, Louis!" That's all Harry seems to know how to scream right now, and suddenly the darkness is closer, and he stops thrashing around, too tired to keep fighting it.

 

_"Have you ever been in love, Louis?" Harry asks, watching the older lad as he messes around on his phone. Louis looks up at Harry, and shrugs, thinking for a moment before shaking his head._

_"I haven't met the right girl yet." Louis says simply, and he reaches over to ruffle Harry's head, before turning over on his back. "Now, go to sleep Curly."_

_  
_His back arches when there's suddenly a jolt of electrcity flowing through his body, and Harry just wants to sleep, but he can't, not with the electricity that keeps jolting him, and not with the pain on his heart.

"I'm calling it." A voice that sounds far away says, and somebody starts screaming, and Harry almost feels proud of himself that he isn't the one screaming.

 

_"Louis?" Harry calls gently, and there's some rustling from the bunk above him, before he sees Louis' head peeking over the edge of the bunk, into his._

_"What is it, Curly?" Louis asks, his voice gentle even though he's annoyed with Harry, because they're supposed to be sleeping and he's fucking exhausted._

_"I can't sleep." Harry says, pouting slightly, and Louis sighs loudly, and soon he's clambering into Harry's bunk. Harry instantly snuggles up to him, and Louis whispers to him to go to sleep. Harry glances up at Louis one more time, wanting to see the boy's beautiful eyes one more time before he drifts into unconciousness._

_  
_Harry can't remember what color Louis' eyes are, and he needs to know.

"11:4-"

Harry gasps, and he feels his eyes actually open, light blinding him as he gasps, his back arching in confusion and his hands blindly fumbling around for something to hold onto.

"Hold him down before he injures himself!" A commanding voice snaps, and there are hands on either side of him, and they're too little and feminine to belong to Louis or any of the lads. The hands hold him down, keeping him from moving.

"Harry, Harry, listen to me, I'm your doctor, you're going to be alright, okay?" A voice is speaking to him, trying to sound reassuring, and Harry is starting to panic, because why is there a doctor? He can't remember what happened, and he's scared, and where is Louis?

"Harry!" A voice screams, and Harry recognizes that voice, and he starts to struggle, trying to get to Louis, wherever he is.

"Harry, listen to me, you have to relax, okay? You're going to be fine, just stop struggling, alright?" Louis tells him, and Harry listens to him, because he trusts him.

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**EARLIER**

 

"Besides, your mum misses you." Louis says gently, sighing. A quick beeping noise fills the room, and Louis' eyes snap to the heart rate moniter, which is going much faster than it was a couple minutes ago.

"Harry?" Louis asks gently, slowly looking back to Harry, silently willing him to wake up.

Of course, that's not what happens.

Harry's body starts to jerk uncontrollably all of a sudden, and Louis jumps to his feet, his eyes widening as he tries to grab Harry and scream for help. A nurse runs in the door and she calls for a doctor, stepping forward, putting her hands on Harry's shoulders.

"Sir, I need you to step away." The nurse talks to Louis with authority, and he has no choice but to step back as more nurses run in and a doctor runs in.

"What's happening?!" Louis finds himself crying out, but he's ignored.

"Hold him down! He's going into epileptic shock!" The doctor snaps orders as he grabs a syringe, filled with a clear liquid. The doctor stabs it into Harry's arm, quickly pressing down. Harry's body stops thrashing around, and for a moment, Louis thinks that everything is going to be okay.

"We're losing him!" The doctor yells, as the heart rate monitor starts to slow down. "Get me the defibrillator!" One of the nurses hands the doctor something, and someone shouts out, "Clear!" and Harry's back arches from the shock. Louis watches in horror as Harry dies right in front of him.

"Clear!" Someone yells again, and there goes Harry's back arching, but the heart rate monitor has flat-lined.

"I'm calling it." Someone says, and Louis cries out, because  _he can't lose Harry, not now._ _  
_

"11:4-" A gasp fills the room, cutting off the doctor.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

**PRESENT**

"Oh, Harry." Louis sobs, clutching to Harry as he relaxes, the tears overflowing from his body.

"Get him out of here." Somebody says, and Louis lets them guide him out of the room, because Harry is  _alive_.

"Louis!" A voice screams, and Louis' head snaps up, and he sees three boys running towards him. Liam comes to a stop in front of him, his hands reaching out to clutch his shoulders.

"What happened?" Liam demands. "I got a call, that his body went into shock an-"

"He's alive." Louis cuts him off, smiling through the tears streaming down his face. Liam's eyes widen, and he embraces Louis so tight that he's afraid he might break. Niall lets out something inbetween a laugh and a sob, and he and Zayn throw their arms around Louis and Liam. Harry is alive. That's all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT READ:
> 
> OMG you guys I LOVE ALL OF YOUR COMMENTS AND THEY REALLY DO MAKE ME UPDATE FASTER. thank you SO MUCH!!!!


	9. Talk To Me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ THE END NOTES; THEY'RE VERY IMPORTANT.

When Harry woke, he was greeted with the sight of Niall draped across Liam in a chair by his bed, snoring lightly. Liam was awake, staring at Niall with a somber expression as he played with the blonde’s hair.

 

Harry meant to stay quiet, but a cough escapes his throat, and his body lurches into a sitting position as a coughing fit seizes his body.

 

“Do you need me to go get the doctor?” Liam asks once Harry stops coughing, but Harry simply shakes his head, lying back down against the pillows. Liam hesitates, but remains sitting with Niall in his lap, his eyes not leaving Harry.

 

“It’s uh... It’s good to see you awake.” Liam murmurs, and Harry pretends not to notice that his voice cracked near the end of the sentence. Harry opens his mouth to respond, yet he can’t get anything to come out. So instead, he settles for just nodding his head and staring at Liam. He nods towards Niall with a questioning look, and Liam grimaces.

 

“Oi, yeah, sorry about him. I can wake him if you want. I just think this is the first time he’s gotten any sleep since we nearly lost you, mate. I just got Zayn to take Louis home a couple hours ago to make him get some sleep...” Liam laughs weakly, and it sounds strained. “The doctor said you’d be waking up today. I think that’s the best news that I’ve heard since I’ve been here.” Liam jokes lamely, and Harry tries to force a smile, but he has a feeling that it just comes out crooked and sad.

 

Harry kind of wishes that Louis was here, and he wants to ask Liam when he’ll be coming back, but he can’t seem to make himself talk. He grimaces, glancing at Liam, before directing his attention back to his hands.

 

“The doctor said that you might not talk right away. He said something about being traumatized.” Liam murmured, his voice low so as not to wake Niall. Liam sighs, taking a deep breath, closing his eyes. He slides his arms around Niall and stands up, gently setting Niall back down in the chair, before walking over to Harry’s bed.

 

“I thought we were gonna lose you, mate.” Liam whispers, and Harry can’t ignore the way that Liam’s voice cracks, or the way that Liam starts to cry. Harry’s nervous for a moment, because he’s never been very good at comforting people. He hesitantly lifts up his arms, an offer for Liam to climb into bed with him. This seems to make Liam cry harder, and so Harry tugs at Liam’s shirt, because he wants to hug Liam and make him stop crying. Eventually, Liam climbs into the bed, cautious so as not to accidentally hurt Harry. Harry just snuggles into Liam though, rubbing his back in an attempt to comfort him.

 

“I’m supposed to be the one doing the comforting here, Harry.” Liam says weakly, and he has a half smile on his face. Harry just shrugs, enjoying the feelings of having someone next to him. Maybe he doesn’t love Liam or Niall or Zayn the way he loves Louis, but he loves them just as much, just in a different way.

 

 

“Mm, Liam...” A voice grumbles, and Liam laughs a bit, and Harry’s glad to hear his friend laugh.

 

“Liammm.” The voice whines again, and Niall’s shifting around in the chair, still half asleep. He finally opens his eyes, realizing he’s alone in the chair. He frowns, pausing when his eyes fall on Liam and Harry.

 

“Harry!” Niall practically squeals, leaping out of the chair and basically throwing himself at Harry.

 

“Niall!” Liam scolds as Niall squeezes his way onto the tiny hospital bed. “Careful! Don’t hurt him.”

 

Liam just wants to make sure that they don’t crush Harry to death, but Niall quickly stands back up, looking embarrassed.

 

“Ah, sorry, mate. Just... M’glad to see that you’re awake.” Niall grins, and the bed is already crowded with Liam on it, but Harry tugs Niall back onto the bed anyways, and Niall instantly brightens up, cuddling into Harry.

 

_______________________________________________________

 

Zayn finds them in the same position an hour later, and a smile makes it’s way onto his face, and if anyone asks he’ll deny it, but his eyes get a bit watery. It’s just such a _relief_ to see Harry breathing and sharing a bed with his best mates and just- everything feels normal for a second, and for a moment Zayn forgets that they’re still in the hospital, and he forgets everything that’s happened, and he just lets himself enjoy this moment, and revel in the fact that at least _right now_ , things are okay.

 

“Zayn?” A tiny voice asks, and Zayn shifts his eyes to Niall to see the blonde staring at him. Zayn laughs a bit, walking over to the bed.

 

“Hey there, Nialler. You comfortable?” He whispers, brushing Niall’s hair out of his eyes. Niall grins, glancing at Harry and Liam to see them both sound asleep. He looks at Zayn, puckering his lips out. Zayn chuckles a bit, leaning down to press a quick kiss to his lips, before straightening up.

 

“Now, c’mon, you might wanna move before Louis gets here. He’s in the gift shop right now.” Zayn says, and Niall nods, taking Zayn’s hand, carefully climbing out of the hospital bed.

 

A grumbling sound comes from the bed, and Zayn and Niall notice Liam starting to wake up. Liam sighs, his eyes finally opening. He groans, realizing he was cramped into a small hospital bed. He lazily extracts himself from the hospital bed, rubbing his eyes.

 

“Hey, where’s Louis?” Liam asks, and Harry seems to stir at the sound of that name.

 

“In the gift shop. He’ll be here in a couple minutes.” Zayn informs him, stepping towards the hospital bed. He reaches out, running his fingers through Harry’s hair. Harry starts to blink his eyes, groggily focusing his eyes on Zayn.

 

“Hey there, mate. Good nap?” Zayn asks, grinning, glad to see him awake. Harry manages a small smile, and nods. Zayn quickly leans down to give Harry a quick hug, reveling in the fact that Harry is here. Zayn ruffles Harry’s hair, before plopping himself down in a chair against the wall, slumping down.

 

“Shit, I’m so tired.” He groans, dropping his face into his hands.

 

“That’s why I told you to take a nap when you took Louis home.” Niall scolds, and Zayn shrugs, ignoring him. Harry watches them, and shifts a bit, sitting himself up, when the door swings open.

 

“Hey, so I can’t decide if I should get flowers o-” Louis’ angelic voice cuts off when his eyes fall on Harry, and Harry feels like he might have stopped breathing. Their eyes meet, and they’re the only ones in the room all of a sudden, and nothing else matters.

 

The other lads excuse themselves and Harry wants to cry, because Louis is even more beautiful then he remembered.

 

“Louis.” He breathes out, and it’s the first thing he’s said since he’s woken up, and it feels amazing.

 

“Harry.” Louis chokes out, and he’s flying across the room, climbing on top of Harry, his hands cradling Harry’s face. Before Harry has time to process what’s happening, Louis is kissing him and _fuck_ , Harry has dreamed about this so many times, and it’s even better with the real Louis.

 

Harry realizes that he should do something, so he kisses Louis back, and soon Louis is licking Harry’s lip, and Harry opens his mouth, letting Louis in. He lets out a strangled moan as Louis explores Harry’s mouth with his tongue, like he can’t get enough of him.

 

“Louis.” Harry moans, deciding to move his hands up the back of Louis’ shirt, reveling in the soft feeling of his skin.

 

“I thought... I thought I lost you.” Louis whispers in-between kisses as he starts to attack Harry’s neck. Harry can’t think straight, and he’s so turned on right now, and when Louis presses down against him, Harry’s worried that he’ll feel his arousal and stop everything.

 

That isn’t what happens.

 

Harry’s arousal presses against Louis’ inner thigh, and Louis lets out a strangled sound, trying to align their crotches to rub against each other. Harry moans out his name, and in the back of his mind he knows they should stop, but it feels so _fucking good._

 

“Lou... Lou, wait.” Harry pants, and he definitely does not want Louis to wait, but this is all too much right now after everything that’s happened.

 

“What?” Louis questions, mouthing at Harry’s ear, and Harry wants nothing more than for Louis to take him right there, but he knows that neither of them are ready for that right now. Besides, after what happened with Lucas, Harry isn’t sure he’s even ready for this.

 

“Stop.” Harry whispers to him, and for a second he thinks that Louis is going to ignore him and keep going, but Louis is off of him in a second.

 

“Oh, fuck, shit, Harry, I wasn’t thinking. Are you okay? Shit, I’m so sorry, I just saw you, and-fuck, fuck. Do you need anything right now?” Louis is obviously freaking out, worried that Harry’s going to think he just sexually assaulted him.

 

“Louis, calm down, okay? Calm down. It’s okay... It was just a little bit too much, too soon, okay? I’m fine.” Harry reassures, wanting to hold Louis’ hand, but he was out of reach.

 

“Shit, are you sure? What can I do?” Louis asks, not moving from where he was standing just out of reach of Harry’s hospital bed. Harry hesitates, watching him.

 

“Can we just... talk?” Harry asks softly, and Louis stares at him for a moment, before nodding. He slowly makes his way to the chair next to Harry’s bed, lowering himself into the chair, not trusting himself to be any closer to Harry than this.

 

“Yeah, okay. Let’s talk.” Louis breathes out, his eyes meeting Harry’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!! Sorry it took me such a long time to update! I just had homecoming, and I just got a boyfriend o.o whaaaat! aha. ANYWAYS, important stuff to talk about!!!!
> 
> So, eventually, Louis and Harry are gonna have some sexytimes. And I don't think I'm very great at sexy times. So, if you would like to pre-read some sexy times that are gonna be in this story, OR you would like to take a shot at writing some smut for this story, or you know someone who is good at writing smut, PLEASE, EMAIL ME at misscashley@yahoo.com
> 
> Just tell me if you'd like to pre-read some smut and then give me your opinion(A detailed opinion please), or let me know if you want to take a shot at writing some smut. I'll give you credit. so, please guys, EMAIL ME!!
> 
> xx,
> 
> Let me know what you thought of this chapter please!!!!


	10. Where One Begins

Harry wasn't sure where to start, there was so much to talk about. Louis is staring at him, and it's making him nervous because he doesn't know what to say, and he thinks that Louis should be the one talking.

"Why did you... Why did you push me away that first time I kissed you?" Harry asks, his voice barely a whisper. Louis feels guilt flood him as he remembers how rough he had been with Harry when he first kissed him. Fuck, he didn't know how to explain.

"I... God, you're going to think I'm an asshole." Louis sighs, running his fingers through his hair. "I just... The way I was raised, Harry, being gay isn't something that's just  _allowed_. My parents taught me that it was wrong, and that anyone who's gay is going to hell. I used to be fine with accepting that, and then I got put into this band, and everything changed." Louis grimaces, pausing for a moment, and Harry decides that Louis needs to get everything out.

"A couple weeks after we all got put in a band, my mum called me, and I remember how she was crying, and telling me that she saw the way I looked at you, because she looked at dad like that. She told me that if I got with you, I couldn't come home, because she couldn't have that influence around the girls. She told me how fucking disappointed she was in me. I mean, she's my  _mum_ , Harry, she could stop me from seeing my family, and I couldn't let that happen. You understand, don't you?"

Harry didn't, but he kept silent and Louis kept talking.

"So I pushed the feelings aside and I moved on, and I was getting along just fine, Harry. I was doing just fine, and then you decide that it's a good day to express your feelings, and that messed up everything, Harry. I was almost over you, I almost got away from... whatever the fuck it is that we have. I just, I can't disappoint my family, Harry, I can't disappoint the fans. So I fucking tried to forget about that kiss, but then I almost lose you, and I don't want to never know what it's like to kiss you, Hazza."

"I don't... I don't understand what you're trying to say though, Louis. I mean, do you want me, do you not want me?" Harry was a bit confused, understandably so, considering Louis was a bit frazzled so it was hard for him to explain everything.

"I just... I don't want you, Harry. I just don't want to lose you." Louis said softly, and no one but him knew he was lying, because he wanted Harry so much it fucking hurt, but he just couldn't, he couldn't give into the feelings, he didn't want to disappoint anyone.

Harry cleared his throat, nodding slowly as he glanced away from Louis. Sure, he was still a bit confused, but he got his answer.

"Can you um, can you please leave?" Harry asks softly, and Louis nods, reluctantly standing up and letting himself out of the room. The door shuts, and Harry stares at it with a blank look.

_He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. _He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. _He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. _He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. _He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. _He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. _He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. _He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. _He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. _He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. _He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. _He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. _He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. _He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. _He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't wa-_______________

_  
_"Stop it!" Harry cried out, his hands flying up to clutch at his head.

_He was just playing with your emotions._

Harry kept crying. The voice inside his head kept talking. He made a split decision, yanking the IV out of his arm and the heart rate monitor and the other tubes that were there to help him get better, he yanked them all out and threw them aside. He got out of bed, stumbling as he made his way to the door, locking it from inside. He just needed to breathe, that's all he needed, and he didn't need anyone coming in and seeing him such a mess.

"Oh god, oh god." He whispered to himself, his knees giving out, sending him crashing onto the cold tile floor.

Harry heard someone laugh, and then Lucas was there, and he was laughing at Harry, and he was touching him, and he was hitting him, and he was telling him how much he loved him.

"Harry, open the door!" Someone yelled, and it wasn't Lucas, and Harry was confused.

"Do you love me?" Harry asked softly, and Lucas was everywhere Harry looked, he was consuming Harry.

_"Of course I love you, Harry. That's all you want, isn't it?"_

Harry just wanted Louis to love him, that was all he wanted.

Louis will never love him, and that hurts so fucking much, and Harry realizes that it's never going to stop hurting. He can't make it go away, he can't make it disappear, but maybe he can lessen the pain with someone else's love.

"Harry! Harry, look at me, you're hallucinating, you need to snap out of it!" A voice was yelling, and Harry winced because it hurt his ears. He vaguely thought he saw the white coat of a doctor kneeling in front of him, but he wasn't sure. Someone kept talking, repeating the same thing over and over, and Harry wanted whoever was talking to just shut the fuck up.

"He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you."

Oh.

It was him. He was talking.

"Harry, Harry, try to look at me, you're withdrawing, look at me Harry, look at me." The doctor was speaking louder and Harry winced. Lucas has disappeared. Harry cried out in pain, loneliness stabbing him in the chest.

"Please, please, it hurts, it hurts!" Harry begged, and suddenly something was sliding into his arm, and it was a sharp sting, like a needle, and then everything just kind of went fuzzy.


	11. Say Something

It was two months before Harry got out of the hospital. His body was starting to return to normal, and he wasn't sure if he liked it or not.

Technically, Harry was supposed to go to long term treatment, but management pulled some strings, and Harry was out and ready to tour again. Sort of. The lads had visited while he was in the hospital, and he and Louis simply had idle chit chat about the weather and such. It wasn't what Harry wanted, of course, but at least it was something.

In the past two months, Harry's decided that he's done trying to push Louis to feel the same way. It's exhausting, it consumes his thoughts, and it just fucking hurts too much.

"Hey mate, you ready for the show tomorrow night?" A voice asks, and Harry looks up, seeing Liam standing in the doorway of his hotel room. Harry nods silently as he sits down on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor. The door clicks shut, and the bed dips down as Liam sits down next to him.

"You don't look very ready." Liam murmurs, putting his arm around Harry. Harry leans against Liam, craving physical touch.

"I just... I..." Harry keeps trailing off, unsure of where to start.

"Louis?" Liam guesses, and Harry nods, closing his eyes.

"I can't keep doing this with him, Liam." He whispers, burying his face in the crook of Liam's neck. "I'm tired of him controlling my thoughts, and messing with my emotions, it just hurts too much."

"I know, Harry, I know." Liam murmurs, his hand gently combing through Harry's hair. "What are you going to do to fix it?"

Harry took a deep breath at this question, because he had been thinking about that all day.

"I have to give up on him." Harry whispers, and the tears are falling, because fuck, he's scared to give up on Louis. He always told himself how he'd never give up, because it was meant to be, and Louis would love him eventually, Harry just had to be persistant.

Harry knows now that's it not meant to be.

"I think that's probably the best thing for you to do, Harry." Liam says gently, as he holds Harry, and Harry cries into his shirt. He can't tell whether he's crying because he's sad or relieved, or both.

 

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Morning comes too soon, and when Harry finally makes it down to the dining hall for breakfast, Niall is hyper, Zayn is just watching Niall run around with adoring eyes, and Louis is chattering away to Liam while Liam just sits there staring longingly at Niall.

Today would be a long day.

"Morning, lads." Harry mumbles as he sits down at the table, grabbing a piece of toast to eat. Every fiber of his being was telling him to put the fucking piece of toast down, but he couldn't, he had to force himself to work through his issues with eating and such.

"Morning, Harry!" Niall says in an exasperated voice as he plops himself down at the table next to Zayn. Everyone else mumbles a hello, and Harry can feel Louis staring at him.

"So, uh, what time do we have to be at the concert hall?" Harry asks no one in particular, as he munches on his toast.

"Three. Why? Made some plans without us, Styles?" Zayn teases lightly, and Harry shifts uncomfortably, arguing with himself mentally.

"Um, yes, actually. It won't take long though." Harry murmurs, and he feels four pairs of curious eyes on him.

"What are your plans?" Liam asks, leaning forward towards Harry, and Harry grimaces, staring at his toast.

_Fuck it._

"I have a date." He finally says, and Niall is the only one who seems excited.

"That's great, Harry! It's gonna be good for you to get out there, ya know?" Niall is grinning, unaware to the fact that everyone else seems uncomfortable.

"Do you... Well, I mean.... Is he a good guy?" Liam seemed to struggle to get the question out, and Harry finally looks up at him, meeting his eyes.

"You mean is he going to beat the shit out of me?" Harry asks, and no one is making any sound in the room, and Niall seems to have finally realized how uncomfortable everyone else is. Liam stares at him with wide eyes, and Zayn just seems like he's waiting for Harry to answer. Harry sighs, standing up, brushing crumbs off of his jeans.

"He's a good guy, alright? Don't worry." Harry mumbles, frustrated, and he exits the dining room, grimacing when he hears footsteps behind him.

"Harry!" Louis calls, grabbing Harry's wrist, forcing him to spin around and face Louis. "You have a date today? Like, a proper date?" Louis seems upset, and Harry grimaces, nodding.

"Yeah. He's a good guy." Harry manages to say, even though he's a fucking liar, there is no guy that he's going on a date with, he just needed to give himself a reason to get away from Louis, and give Louis a reason to realize that maybe he isn't the only guy Harry lusts after.

"What about... What about, you know, us?" Louis asks meekly, and Harry's eyes widen, and he's so angry all of a sudden.

"Are you fucking  _kidding me_? Us? You made it very fucking clear that there is never going to be an us, Louis. You can't expect me to sit around and wait for you to change your mind." Harry is offended that Louis thinks he's everything to Harry(even though he is).

"Oh. I just thou-"

Harry doesn't want to hear what Louis has to say, so he cuts him off mid-sentence.

"You thought what, Louis? I can't spend my whole life lusting after you, no matter how much you fucking enjoy having admirers. I just... I'm giving up on you Louis, so that I can move on. So please don't say things that are making me reconsider." Harry's voice ends up dropping to a whisper, and Louis just looks like he doesnt know what to say, which he doesn't.

"Good luck on your date, Haz." Louis murmurs, smiling weakly at him before heading back towards the dining hall.


	12. In The Small Things

Harry thinks that people are beautiful in the small things they do. There's a girl across the street who's beautiful in how gentle she is with everything. The old man sitting next to him on the bench is beautiful in the way he's humming a song while smiling to himself. The child across the street is beautiful in the way she clings to her daddy's leg, because she's young enough where nothing can hurt her with her daddy around. The guy across the street is beautiful in the way he stares at the gentle girl with loving eyes and an adoring smile.

Harry wonders if anyone thinks he's beautiful.

He thinks that maybe Lucas thought he was beautiful, but not in the way he wanted to be.

Soon, the old man is gone, and the guy who was admiring the girl is gone. The girl is sitting there looking lonely, and the man with his daughter is carrying his sleeping little girl back to the car.

Harry wonders if the old man that sat next to him is going home to anyone. If he has a wife, or if he lives with his children, maybe(if he has any, that is).

Harry wonders if that little girl's daddy is a single dad or not, because Harry thinks that all little girls should have someone to be their mommy too.

Harry wonders if that girl across the street has any roommates, or a boyfriend maybe, because she looks so lonely. He wonders if she wanted that guy to talk to her.

Harry wonders if that guy would have treated the girl right, and if he's going home alone or not tonight.

Harry doesn't think it's beautiful to be alone anymore. It just seems sad now.

He sat on that bench by the bus stop for a very long time. He watched people come and go, and he observed them. It was relaxing to just sit there with his hoodie and sunglasses, and just watch everything.

When Harry decided that he didn't want to be alone anymore, he walked back to the hotel, and got there by two. He had an hour to spare.

He went up to Liam's room, since that's usually where all the lads hung out. Liam opened the door when he knocked, and Harry sort of smiled(this was big for him), and he walked in. Niall was on the couch, draped across Zayn's lap, and Louis was sitting on the floor watching TV.

"Harry!" Niall exclaims, sitting up in excitement. "How was your date?"

Harry can't help but grin at how Niall just has this look of pure  _happiness_ on his face, and it's beautiful.

"It was alright. I think he'll make a good friend." Harry doesn't go into any more detail, because he didn't actually go on a date. He just needed some time to himself.

It was quiet for a couple seconds, but before anything got awkward, Zayn patted the spot next to him on the couch.

"Oi, move your fat arse Niall, let Harry sit down." Zayn says, shoving Niall, who was literally taking up the whole couch.

"You said my arse was perfect!" Niall complained, feigning hurt as he sat up. Zayn merely chuckled, looking down in an attempt to hide his blush. Harry smiles a bit, and sits down next to Zayn.

"Oh, come on!" Louis yells at the TV, and Harry thinks for a moment that he's watching football, but when he looks up at the TV, some soap opera that Harry doesn't recognize is on.

"Lou, you've been watching that show for two hours. I think we've all had enough of it." Liam says, taking the remote and turning off the TV, despite Louis' complaints.

"Thank god that's over." Niall mutters, and Louis turns his attention to him.

"You say something, Horan?" Louis asks, obviously knowing what he said. Niall raised his eyebrow at Louis, and sat up straighter. Before he could reply though, Liam clapped his hands.

"You know, I think the car will be here soon. Let's get going, yeah?"

 

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

After the concert, Niall decides that they should go celebrate how well they did, and Harry surprises everyone by agreeing. They end up at a rather nice night club a couple miles away from the hotel. Liam already decides that he isn't going to drink because one, it isn't good for him, and two, apparently he needed to keep watch on the four of them. Harry thought that Liam really just wanted to keep an eye on him.

Niall was drunk within the hour, and Zayn was only slightly tipsy. Harry had two drinks, so he was a little buzzed, but not really. The band sort of dispersed throughout the club, and Harry frowned when he was alone at the bar. Deciding to get some fresh air, he made his way through the crowd and out onto the balcony. He leaned against the railing, taking a deep breath, inhaling the fresh air outside of the club. Sure, the lads weren't all together, but it was nice for all of them to be out at the same place. Harry was starting to realize that maybe he didn't have to be alone all the time.

"Hazza!" A voice chirped, and Harry instantly recognized the voice.

"Hey, Louis."  He replied, as Louis clumsily leaned against the railing next to him. Harry could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Listen, Haz, I've been doing a LOT of thinking, you know?" Louis' voice was rather funny sounding when he was drunk, and his words were barely coherent. Harry smiled slightly.

"That's good, Lou. Why don't you and I go find Liam?" Harry suggests, deciding Louis' should get back to the hotel. He puts his hand on Louis' arm to guide him away from the railing.

"No!" Louis' exclaims, eyes wide as he slaps Harry's hand away from his arm. Harry's heartbeat quickens for a second, but he reminds himself it's just Louis.

"Why not?" Harry asks calmly, and Louis simply stares at him for a good minute.

"We have better things to do than find Liam." Louis says, and then it's lips against lips, and Harry doesn't know how to react for a minute. He almost kisses back, before he remembers that he was supposed to be getting over Louis, and that Louis was  _drunk_.

"Louis, stop." Harry mumbles against his lips, but it comes out slurred with Louis kissing him so harshly, and Louis has a hand on Harry's belt, and Harry used to be stronger than Louis, but that was before the eating disorder and the abuse.

"I want you so bad, Harry." Louis whispers, holding Harry tightly with one arm, undoing his belt with his free hand.

"Stop it! Harry tries to say, but Louis swallows his words with his mouth.

"Louis!" A voice yells, and Louis is being ripped away from Harry and shoved onto the floor, and suddenly all Harry sees is Liam on top of Louis, punching him.

"What the fuck were you thinking?!" Liam screams, grabbing Louis by his shirt and shaking him, and Harry realizes he's crying, and Louis has an empty expression, and Liam keeps screaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG THINGS TO COME. Some Larry to come(: (consensual Larry!!) i feel like this wasnt as good so please comment if you liked it!!!!!


	13. Chapter 13

"Harry?" A voice sounded throughout the darkness, although Harry didn't really hear anything.

"Harry, come on, we gotta go." A voice whispered, and he opened his eyes. He was sitting on the balcony where Louis tried to... make a move on him, with Zayn and Niall around him.

"What happened?" He asked, his voice hoarse and his cheeks stained with tears.

"Liam is at the hospital with Louis, which probably wasn't the best idea, but oh well. We gotta go mate, Paul's waiting by the car." Niall explains, as they both help Harry to his feet. The trio makes their way through the crowded club, and outside to the car finally. Harry climbs in, Zayn and Niall behind him. Zayn exhales once the car starts moving. Harry frowns, thinking about Louis. He didn't remember seeing Liam stop punching Louis.

"Where are we going?" Harry asks, realizing that they drove past the hotel.

"To the airport." Zayn murmurs, glancing at Harry.

"Why? Where are we going?" He questions. "What about Louis?" Niall leans over, rubbing his hand over Harry's back.

"Everyone thinks it's best if you go and stay with your family for a little bit right now." Niall explains calmy, and Harry frowns.

"No, no, I don't need to. I need to see Louis." Harry states, and Zayn shakes his head, slightly frustrated.

"You can't see Louis." Zayn says sternly, and Harry narrows his eyes at him.

"Why can't I see him?"

"You just can't, Harry." Niall murmurs, glancing at Zayn worriedly.

"I just want to know why I can't see hi-"

"Because he tried to fucking rape you, Harry!" Zayn yells, and the car is silent. The harsh reality hits Harry like a bag of bricks.

"Okay." He whispers, looking down at his hands, silent for the rest of the trip.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Apparently Paul had packed for Harry, and grabbed his two suitcases from the trunk. Harry got out of the car reluctantly at the drop-off area of the airport, frowning.

"Jared's going to escort you to your plane." Paul explains, jerking his head towards a security guard standing off to the side. Harry simply nods, quiet. Zayn and Niall had said their goodbyes in the car, because they didn't want to draw too much attention to themselves.

"Well... Thank you, Paul." Harry says awkwardly. He loves Paul and everything, but he doesn't necessarily love the situation. Paul simply nods and pats him on the back, before climbing back into the car. Jared picked up Harry's two suitcases, and the car drove off.

Here he was, alone at an airport.

(Technically he was with Jared, but Jared was simply paid to be there, so Harry doesn't really think that counts.)

 

 

Harry boarded the plane, his heart heavy. He was sure Louis must be feeling horrible right about now. The captain came on over the loudspeaker and started doing his little routine before the plane took off, and Harry quickly whipped out his phone, sending one, quick text.

**it's okay**

 

He shut his phone off, and closed his eyes, getting ready to face his mom after everything he's been through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ:
> 
> I know this is so short but I read so many comments about people threatening to kill someone if I didnt update soon, so heres just a tiny snippit of what's to come, okay??
> 
> Sorry it isnt too good. I LOVE YOU ALL
> 
> xoxoxoxo


	14. Chapter 14

Harry awoke to the scent of waffles and bacon wafting through the house. For the first time in a while, a very tiny, and very real, smile crept onto his face. his mum knew how much he loved waffles. Harry stretched his arms above his head, and pointed his toes as he stretched his legs, his body far too long for this tiny bed that was the perfect size for him when he was younger.

He threw the covers off, slowly climbing out of bed. He breathed in the scent of his mum's special waffles as he made his way downstairs.

"Oh, good! You're up." Anne said as she plopped four waffle squares onto a plate, topping the waffles with two pieces of bacon.

"You made breakfast." Harry states the obvious, sitting down at the table as his mom puts the plate in front of him.

"Of course. I've got to take care of my little boy, yeah?" Anne said, and she smiled sadly at Harry, and then they were both quiet.

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

It was about half noon when Harry decided he was rather sleepy from eating so much. His mum had some music playing from the living room speakers while she worked on cleaning up the house before tonight, when his sister would get here.

Finding the music rather relaxing, Harry decided just to lay himself down on the couch, allowing the music and the sound of his mum bustling around the house to lull him to sleep.

 

_"Harry! Harry, wake up, we're going to be late." Someone is shaking him awake, and Harry groans, pulling the blankets up further around him, still tired. Someone sighs, and the covers are yanked off of him._

_"Hey!" He mumbles in protest, getting ready to complain to his mum that he's still tired, when he opens his eyes and sees that the person waking him, is most definitely not his mum._

_"Louis? What are you doing here?" Harry asks, confused as he sits up. Louis rolls his eyes, his hands on his hips._

_"I live here, you prat. Now, come on love, we have to get you showered so that you don't stink up the restaurant."_

_"What restaurant?" Harry asks as he allows Louis to pull him out of the unfamiliar bed he was sleeping in, in an unfamiliar apartment._

_"Did you hit your head sometime while I wasn't looking? We're going to Garfields, the restaurant we always go to on nights when we're meeting the lads." Louis pulls Harry into a rather large bathroom, and Harry marvels at the big, glass shower in there. Louis opens the door to the shower, and starts the water. He walks over to Harry, smiling at Harry's confused, yet curious expression._

_"Arms up." Louis murmurs, and Harry obeys him without thought. Louis grabs Harry's shirt and lifts it up, tossing it onto the floor. Harry shudders at the feeling of Louis' fingers against his skin, and it takes him a moment before he realizes that Louis is reaching for his boxers._

_"Lou, wait." Harry says, concerned and slightly frantic as he grabs at Louis' arms, stopping him. Louis sighs, and reaches his hands up from Harry's hips, to his face, gently cradling it in his hands._

_"Haz, I've seen you naked millions of times, and you look just as beautiful each time as the first." Louis murmurs, leaning in and gently kissing his nose. Harry hesitates, his breathing slowing down as he relaxes._

_"O-oh. Alright." Harry consents, allowing Louis to pull down his boxers. He keeps his eyes on Louis, and simply focuses on him. Louis ushers Harry inside the shower, with the promise of warm water. Harry steps in, and simply stands there, allowing the water to flow over him. Suddenly, theres a hand on his hip, and Harry realizes that Louis is in here with him, naked as well._

_"A bit slow today, eh?" Louis whispers in his ear, chuckling slightly. Harry has to remind himself to breathe as he slowly turns around to face Louis. The shower is big enough so that they can face each other without touching, and Harry can't decide if he's grateful for that or not._

_"Here, let me help." Louis murmurs, as he squirts some shampoo into his hand. Then his fingers are in Harry's hair, and massaging his head, and Harry closes his eyes because the feeling is wonderful._

_Harry simply stands there for what feels like forever, letting Louis work his magic on Harry with his fingers. When Louis whispers that he's all clean, Harry can't help but feel slightly disappointed._

_The water shuts off, and soon enough, a warm, fluffy towel is being wrapped around him._

_"Now, go get dressed." Louis tells him as he opens his eyes, and Harry can do nothing but nod and scurry into the next room to find some clothes._

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

_Harry managed to dress himself, and soon enough he's getting out of the car in front of what seems to be a very nice restaurant. Louis hands the valet the car key, and makes his way to Harry, smoothly sliding his arm around Harry. Harry vaguely wonders when Louis got taller than him. He stops contemplating the height difference, and simply relaxes into Louis' side. He fits like a puzzle piece, and he loves it. Excited, Harry snakes his arms around Louis' waist, nuzzling into him. He trusts Louis to guide him while he walks, as he focuses on breathing in Louis' scent. He smells like a fire after it's just been put out, and something else... Something he can't quite put his finger on._

_"There they are!" A booming voice says, bringing Harry out of Louis' enchantment. Liam stands up to greet them, pulling them both into a hug._

_"Alright, alright, sit down now so we can order." A tiny little voice says, and Harry smiles, spotting Niall squished into a corner of the round booth next to Zayn. Louis laughs, and while Liam motions for them to sit down, all Harry can think is that he wants to hear Louis laugh again._

_Once they're all seated, a waitress comes to take their order. Everyone goes, but once the waitress gets to Harry, he has no idea what he wants._

_"Do you just want the usual, love?" Louis asks, his voice gentle. Harry quickly nods, relief flooding through him as Louis orders for him._

_"Why don't you ever order for me, hmm?" Niall asks Zayn, gently shoving him with his shoulder. Zayn laughs, shaking his head._

_"Maybe because you order five different things every time, Niall."_

_The lads get into a conversation, while Harry focuses on Louis' arm, which is currently wrapped around him. Harry decides to curl up into Louis' side, and bury his face in his neck, breathing in his scent. He can hear the smile in Louis voice while he talks, tightening his arm around Harry._

_Harry smiles, leaning in a bit closer so that he can press a kiss to Louis' neck. His skin is so soft, and all that Harry can think about is what it must taste like. The boys all seem engrossed in whatever they're talking about, so Harry takes the chance to slide his tongue out, slowly sweeping it across Louis' neck. Louis stiffens, and Harry freezes, scared that he's done something wrong. Louis gently tugs Harry back a little so that he can lean in to whisper in his ear._

_"Love, if you keep doing that, we may have to leave dinner early." Louis murmurs, pressing a kiss to Harry's cheek before rejoining the other boys in conversation._

_Harry smiles at that, before going back to nestling into Louis' side, trying to memorize the feeling of it all._

 

"-Harry!" A voice yells, awakening him, and his eyes snap open, only to see Anne standing above him. His eyes widen as he realizes what just happened, and he can already feel the tears starting to flow.

"No, no, no, no!" He whispers as he sits up, his body starting to shake. He shuts his eyes, trying to remember the dream.

"Harry, what's wrong dear? Did you have a nightmare?" Anne asks frantically, her arms encircling Harry.

"No, no, it wasn't a nightmare." Harry chokes out, allowing himself to fall into his mum's embrace.

"Then what's wrong love?" She asks, her voice worried.

"It's not real, mum! It wasn't real! I want it to be real!" Harry cries out, and surely his mum doesn't know what he's talking about, and maybe she thinks he's going insane, but she doesn't say anything. She simply holds him, letting him cry onto her shoulder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY THIS HAS TAKEN SO LONG I LOVE YOU ALL. COMMENTS ENCOURAGE ME TO WRITE!!
> 
>  
> 
> MUCH LOVE
> 
> XOXO


	15. Thoughts of You

It's been two months since Harry's seen anyone from the band. Management had put their tour on hold while Harry was away, making up some story for the public. Harry had kept up with the lads through social media, always curious to see what everyone was up to. Louis was in L.A., according to Twitter, last time he checked. He texted the lads back and forth occasionally, except for Louis. Liam was spending time in Italy with Danielle, and Zayn was laying low. Niall, well, Niall was actually on his way to come see Harry. Harry was looking forward to seeing someone other than his mum.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

There was a knock on his bedroom door, and Harry groaned, rolling over in his bed.

"Mum, you said you'd let me sleep." He called out.

"You lazy arse, it's nearly four in the afternoon." Niall laughs as he opens the door, and Harry pops out of bed in excitement. With sheets still tangled around his body, he throws himself at Niall, latching onto the younger boy, who hugs him back just as eagerly.

"It's good to see you, Haz." Niall says as they pull apart, and Harry grins, sitting back down on his bed.

"It's good to finally see someone other than my mum. I'm going crazy, just staying on the down low here." Harry says, running his fingers through his hair. Niall grins, dropping his bag on the floor.

"Which is exactly why we're gonna go out. But you're not wearing that." Niall says, referring to the baggy pajamas and sweatshirt Harry currently had on. Harry blushes, shrugging.

"Alright, but for the record, I think this outfit is very flattering." Harry says, standing up, deciding he should take a shower before he goes out anywhere.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

"Jesus Niall, look at the mess you've made." Harry complains as he walks back into his room, with a towel hanging around his waist, and his hair still dripping from the shower. There were clothes all over his room. Niall evidently didn't hesitate to make himself at home and go through all of Harry's stuff.

"I think I found something suitable for you to wear." Niall states proudly, pulling some clothes out of the closet and laying them on the bed. He looks at Harry, and his eyes widen slightly. "You been workin' out, Haz? It's a good look on ya." Niall grins, patting Harry's stomach. Harry blushes, glancing down at his body. With not much to do around the house these past two months, he had taken to working out(and eating), figuring he should try to make himself look healthy again. He definitely didn't have abs, but his stomach was starting to look a little more toned, and less emaciated. Harry simply shrugs, moving towards the bed to dress himself in the clothes Niall had picked out.

 

.....

 

"Jesus, this is the best beer I've had in months." Niall moans as he sets his now empty glass down, wiping his mouth. "Zayn has been so against drinking ever since I got piss drunk and accidentally broke some stuff he had in 'is place."

"Call me crazy Niall, but he probably doesn't like when his stuff his broken." Harry shrugs, grinning slightly, taking a sip of his beer and setting it down.

"Yeah, yeah. So, anyways, you thinkin' about gettin' out of this town soon mate? It'd be nice to see you regularly." Niall says, waving at the bartender for another beer.

"Yeah, I think so. I mean, I gotta talk to management and everything, but I think I'm ready to leave, you know? I can't stay here forever." Part of Harry wished he could stay here forever though, because he didn't know how he was going to react when he saw Louis, and that scared him.

"Proud of ya mate." Niall says, slapping Harry on the shoulder in a 'good job buddy' kind of way, and picking up his second beer.

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Three weeks later, and Harry was in a car in London, being driven to a studio where all the lads were waiting. They're supposed to start rehearsals again, and get ready for tour to start back up.

The car comes to a stop in front of a building, and Harry takes a deep breath, before getting out of the car. Paul's waiting outside the car, and grins when he sees Harry.

"Good to see ya, lad." He says, clasping his hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Good to be back." Harry says, forcing himself to smile at Paul. Paul grins even wider, and drops his hand, walking towards the studio doors, motioning for Harry to follow him.

When Harry gets inside the studio, there's a giant couch in the corner. Zayn is spread out on the couch, his feet in Liam's lap. Niall was laying on the floor, staring at his phone, and Louis was leaning against the wall, nodding his head thoughtfully while Liam spoke to him.

"Oi! Look who finally showed up!" Niall exclaims, popping up off the floor to walk over and pull Harry into a hug. Soon he's being engulfed by Niall, Zayn, and Liam, and he laughs breathlessly, squirming to get out of the hug so he can breathe. They finally let go of him, saying things about how it's good to see him again, but Harry isn't really paying attention. He's too busy looking at Louis, who was standing a couple feet away.

"Hi Louis." He says, the other lads dispersing as they realize Harry's distracted now.

"Harry." Louis breathes. "You look good."

"Thanks." Harry says, his cheeks turning red a little bit.

That's all they say to each other for now.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

They were at a hotel in New York somewhere. Management had let the public know that the tour was back on, and it was starting here. Harry was sharing a room with Liam, Niall was with Louis, and Zayn was more than happy to room by himself.

"You ready for tonight?" Liam's voice echoes from the kitchen where he's chopping up some fruit for a snack. Harry shrugs before remembering that Liam can't see him right now.

"I think so. Yeah. It's gonna feel good to be back out on stage." He says, leaning back in the chair he was sitting in. Liam walks out of the kitchen with a bowl of fruit in his hand, sitting down in the chair beside Harry.

"It's gonna feel good to have the band back together on stage." Liam says, nodding thoughtfully. He had missed having everyone together.

 

 

The concert was electric. It was a little awkward at first, but soon everyone got into it, and they were all jumping around stage, laughing like crazy. When the concert was finally over, everyone was buzzed.

"Lets go get some food, please? I'm starvin'." Niall whines from the corner of the dressing room, where he was laying on the couch, holding his stomach.

"No alcohol tonight Niall, we have an early morning tomorrow." Liam reminds him, and Niall rolls his eyes, groaning as he mimics Liam. Zayn laughs quietly, grabbing Niall's hand and pulling him off the couch.

"Come on you slug, I think I saw some cookies somewhere." Zayn says, and Nialls' eyes widen with the idea food. He eagerly follows Zayn out of the dressing room, and Liam rolls his eyes.

"He's going to eat too many again, and get a stomach ache,  _again_." Liam mutters, pulling his shirt on, and going to follow Zayn and Niall.

Now it was just Harry and Louis in the dressing room.

 

"You were great tonight, Haz." Louis says, and Harry smiles a bit at the use of his nickname.

"You were incredible. It's always amazing to watch you when you're singing." Harry says, sitting down in a chair, his body buzzing from the show.

"I was incredible, wasn't I?" Louis jokes, and Harry rolls his eyes, grabbing a pillow, throwing it in Louis' direction.

"Cocky bastard." Harry mutters, smiling anyways.

"Hey, give credit where credit is earned." Louis laughs, catching the pillow Harry threw and tossing it back at him.

The pillow hits Harry right in the middle of his face, knocking his head back a little. Laughter fills the room, while Harry recovers from his surprise at Louis throwing something back at him, and not being afraid to even hit him with something.

"You better be careful not to damage my face, Lou. My face keeps this band alive." Harry jokes, standing up to look in the mirror and examine his face carefully. Louis laughs some more, and Harry thinks it's a nice sound, and he'd like to hear it some more.

"You keep on thinking that, Styles." Louis teases, and they both laugh. The room falls silent again as their laughter dies out, and Harry turns around from the mirror to look at Louis, who was currently trying to button up a shirt that had the smallest damn buttons on them. Louis feels Harry staring, and looks up, making eye contact.

"You okay?" He asks carefully, his hands letting go of his shirt, leaving it only half buttoned up.

Before Harry had time to think, he was crossing the room to Louis. Louis barely had time to think before Harry was cupping his face, kissing him.

Harry prepared himself for the worst, like getting slapped or yelled at, but he didn't really care. He just had to kiss Louis.

It took Harry a minute to realize that Louis was responding, positively. His lips moved in sync with Harry's and fuck, it was so good.

"Shit, Harry." Louis gasped, breaking the kiss so he could breathe. Harry whined at the loss of contact and dropped his hands to rest on Louis waist. He leaned closer, attaching his lips to Louis neck, his tongue eagerly licking the hot skin.

Louis bit his lip, closing his eyes, the feeling of Harry's mouth on him driving him crazy.

"Harry, Har-shit, okay, Harry, slow down a second. Think about this." Louis manages to say, his hands still down by his side.

"I want you, Lou." Harry whispers, and then Louis is spinning them around and gently pushing Harry up against the wall. Harry sucks in a breath, looking up at Louis with wide eyes, and Louis leans down, attaching their lips, with his hands on either side of Harry on the wall.

Harry reaches up to grab ahold of Louis' hands, pulling them down onto his chest and sliding them down towards his jeans.

Louis groans, sliding his hands under Harry's shirt, and all of a sudden they're both just so  _desperate_ to feel each other.

Harry grabs Louis' belt loops, pulling him towards him as he arches his hips a little. He feels the outline of Louis' hard cock press against his own, and he moans, his hands moving to grip tightly at Louis' shirt.

"Fuck Haz." Louis moans, involuntarily rutting his hips against Harry's. Harry makes quick work of unbuttoning Louis' shirt(Louis isn't sure how he does it so fast), and soon the shirt is tossed somewhere on the floor.

"Mmmm, Lou, I wanna taste you." Harry murmurs, his hands unbuttoning Louis' jeans and pushing them down. Harry reaches down to cup Louis' cock through his underwear, and Louis moans, his hands going to push down Harry's pants.

Their breathing is heavy and all Harry can think of is how good this feels and how much he's aching for Louis.

"Hey, have you seen my pho-" The door swings open and Niall falls quiet as he takes in the scene in front of him. "Oh, um. Uh, I think Liam knows where it is." Niall squeaks out, quickly shutting the door, ruining the moment.

Harry leans against the wall, trying to catch his breath while Louis steps back, taking in what just happened.

Harry thinks his plan for not loving Louis didn't work out too well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its been so long! moneys been tight so we had to say goodbye to internet for a while and then we had some health problems in the family, and eek. hope you enjoyed the chapter!
> 
> also, do you guys want to me to write about the side Ziall going on or no? let me know !

**Author's Note:**

> Comment or leave Kudos if you liked it!


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